New Jeans
A Michigan inventor has created a new pair of jeans called "Sloops" that has less fabric in back for men with smaller butts. And for men with smaller crotches he's created a pair of jeans with less fabric in the front; it's called the "Affleck."

Ashcroft Back
Attorney General John Ashcroft returned to work this week after missing nearly a month because of surgery to remove his gall bladder. Ashcroft's first act on the job will be to prosecute that same surgeon for looking at naked pictures of his gall bladder.

Convention Traffic
The Secret Service is considering shutting down the New York City subway for four days during the Republican National Convention in September. That means that during the convention, the wait for an F train will actually be slightly shorter than usual.

Teens and Cigarettes
Maine’s attorney general is blasting Kool cigarettes’ for launching a marketing campaign with rappers and dancers that he says is specifically aimed at Black youths. And if Maine had any Black youths, he'd really be outraged.


Bush Responds to Fallujah Killings with New Ad Blasting Kerry

Americans must keep the real enemy in focus, says outraged Prez

(Washington) Responding to the brutal killings of four Americans in Fallujah Wednesday, an outraged President George W. Bush announced that the White House would coordinate a "massive response" to the murders with a series of new TV spots blasting Senator John Kerry.

"The murder of our citizens and the desecration of their bodies is an outrage matched only by Senator Kerry's frequent flip-flops on capital gains taxes," said the President, "we will teach the evil marauders of Fallujah with a negative campaign blitz sure to boost my poll numbers by 4 percentage points this month alone," he added.

When told of the Bush Administration's plan, insurgent leaders in Iraq reacted with joy.

"The fact that another American will be attacked in reaction to our actions is exactly what we were hoping for," said an ecstatic Ali Akbar Ahmed, "besides Kerry's whole pledge to crack down on outsourcing may cost my cousin Ibrahim in India his job," he added.

But the Kerry campaign continued its "quick-response" strategy to Republican attacks. It plans to roll out a series of ads next week that will squarely blame the massacres on Halliburton.