Disney Blocks Moore
Disney may not distribute Michael Moore's new film "Fahrenheit 9/11," which blasts President Bush. Insiders say when he heard the movie was about an ineffectual leader who mysteriously stays in power, CEO Michael Eisner naturally thought it was about him.

Bush Apology
After hearing a report which said the treatment of Iraqi prisoners was filled with "blatant and wanton criminal abuses," President Bush is ready to express his regrets to the Arab people. But first, Bush thinks he should also apologize to the Chinese government for the uncalled for attacks on wontons.

Abuse Punishment
The President is moving quickly to make sure the soldiers responsible for the abuse are punished. First, they will have their cameras confiscated.

Lennon-Jagger Dating
Mick Jagger's daughter Elizabeth is now dating John Lennon’s son Sean. Doctors say if the couple has a child, it will be born with an immunity to every drug and venereal disease known to man.

Spears Tattoo
Fans have noticed that Britney Spears' new Kabbalah-inspired Hebrew tattoo actually has the letters reversed, making it meaningless. It's proof once again of how hard it is to find a tattoo artist who graduated from a decent Hebrew School.

Horror Channel
A new horror cable network called "The Scream Channel" is being planned that will be dedicated to scaring viewers with fictional and gory thrillers. But the launch of the new station is being delayed while the Fox News Channel sues for copyright infringement.