Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Sully Returns
Hero U.S. Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger returns to the skies today for the first time since he safely landed a disabled jet on the Hudson River earlier this year. His flight takes off at 4:30pm, but birds protesting Sullenberger's return will begin picketing at noon.

U.S. Threatens Iran
U.S. diplomats say Iran must change its ways or "pay the price." It's not clear if "pay the price" means having to listen to more speeches from President Obama or having to attend a health care town hall meeting.

Saturn Shutting Down
GM has decided to shut down Saturn after realizing that the company didn't fit its overall business model because it made cars that Americans actually wanted to buy.

IMF Optimists?
The International Monetary Fund says the world economy is recovering faster than it expected. But that's because it only expected it to recover by the year 2150.

Indians vs. Greenies
Several Indian tribes are starting to push back against environmentalists shutting down coal-fired power plants. The Indians say they rely on the jobs at those plants, and have been using the smoke stacks to communicate with each other for decades.

October 1st

331 BC: Alexander the Great defeats Darius III of Persia... but Darius is able to cover the spread.

1795: Belgium is conquered by France... and it's still the most embarrassing moment in European history for any country.

1880: First electric lamp factory opened by Thomas Edison... beginning what environmentalists call "The Holocaust."

1931: The George Washington Bridge opens, some of the cars on the bridge that day are still stuck in traffic on the George Washington Bridge.

1964: The Free Speech Movement is launched on the campus of University of California, Berkeley. But no one at Cal has said anything worth hearing since.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Big Money for Medicine
President Obama will announce $5 billion in grants to the National Institutes of Health today. The money will be used to research what part of the brain needs to be removed to get humans to start supporting his health care reform plan.

Big Money for Medicine II
President Obama will announce $5 billion in grants to the National Institutes of Health today. It was either use the money for research, or put that $5 billion toward covering national Medicare costs for a whole five minutes.

Polanski Demand
After Swiss authorities jailed him on a U.S. arrest warrant related to his 1977 sexual assault of a 13-year-old girl, Director Roman Polanski is demanding to be released. He's also demanding to meet Hannah Montana, but that's another story.

Fellow director Woody Allen is leading the fight to get Roman Polanski released. Allen says Polanski deserves to be respected for his great films, and he's kind of hoping to get some tips from him on how to pick up teenage girls.

Prescription Drug Abuse
A new government report says that several states are allowing millions of dollars worth of Medicaid prescription abuse. Of course, those inspectors should probably try looking at the women in Arkansas before questioning how much the men in that state spend on Viagra.

Knoblauch Charged
Former Major Leaguer Chuck Knoblauch has been charged with assaulting his common-law wife... it was his first decent hit since 1998.

Sex Offenders Evicted
A group of sex offenders who were camped out in the woods near Marietta, Georgia have been ordered to leave. No one really minded them being there until several squirrels started showing up at the local abortion clinic.

Sex Offenders Evicted II
A group of sex offenders who were camped out in the woods near Marietta, Georgia have been ordered to leave. It's the first time something like this has happened since the whole Snow White and Seven Dwarves incident 70 years ago.

Cleveland Gay Games
The city of Cleveland has been selected to host the 2014 Gay Games. The search committee made the decision after seeing Browns Head Coach and transgender patient Eric Mangini's large breasts.

September 30th

1399: Henry IV is proclaimed King of England... and does much better at the opening weekend box office than Henry III.

1927: Babe Ruth becomes the first baseball player to bang 60 home runs and 600 hookers in a season.

1938: The League of Nations unanimously outlaws "intentional bombings of civilian populations"... opening the door for seven years' worth of almost uninterrupted intentional bombings of civilian populations.

1939: General Władysław Sikorski becomes commander-in-chief of the Polish Government in exile... temporarily located in the kitchen at the Sausage King of Chicago on Devon Ave.

2005: Controversial drawings of Muhammad are printed in the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten. Millions of Muslims interrupt their senseless daily murdering and rioting and begin to murder and riot because of the drawings.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Hitler's Skull
New DNA tests on what was thought to be the skull of Adolf Hitler show that it actually belonged to a woman. Experts now believe that Hitler's real skull is now being used by Mahomoud Ahmadinejad.

Tufts Dorm Sex Rules
Tufts University has now put a rule in writing that bans having sex when your roommate is in the room. But since this is Tufts, this is only likely to happen about once every 16 years.

Gender-Bender Candidate
A transgendered attorney is running for the Oklahoma state legislature. The opposition is painting him/her as just another politician who plays both sides of the issues.

Chicago Lobbying
President Obama and the First Lady say they are taking the "gloves off" as they lobby to get the 2016 Olympic Games for Chicago. Also taking the gloves off was the mob of Chicago teens who beat another teen to death this weekend in what they're calling their Olympic ultimate fighting exhibition.

NSF Porn Scandal
A new report shows that porn surfing is so common at the National Science Foundation that the agency's inspector general was unable to handle all the cases... but that was mostly because the inspectors insisted on checking out every alleged porn site for 16 hours each.

September 29th

1227: Frederick II, Holy Roman Emperor, is excommunicated by Pope Gregory IX for his failure to go on crusade. Frederick had been telling the Pope he'd go as soon as the game was over, but then the Vatican realized pro football wasn't even going to be around for another 700 years.

1567: At a dinner, the Duke of Alba arrests the Count of Egmont and the Count of Hoorn for treason. Those hors d'oeuvres must ave been really bad.

1963: The second period of the Second Vatican Council opens. The period had ended in a 1-1 tie wth six shots on goal for each side.

1971: Oman joins the Arab League. The country immediately puts together an impressive lineup of five vicious dictators and a terrorist to be named later.

2008: The Dow Jones Industrial Average falls 777.68 points, the largest single-day point loss in its history. The huge drop means Goldman Sachs employees will have to suffer with an average bonus of $10 million each instead of $10.1 million each.

Friday, September 25, 2009

September 28th

1066: William the Conqueror invades England... with a name like that, England really should have been more prepared.

1791: France became the first European country to emancipate its Jewish population... Jews respond by immediately getting the Hell out of France.

1889: The first General Conference on Weights and Measures codifies the metric system as a way to streamline trade and torture American high school students forevermore.

September 27th

1590: Pope Urban VII dies 13 days after being chosen as the Pope, making his reign the shortest papacy in history... but his kids have been collecting his pension benefits ever since.

1777: Lancaster, Pennsylvania is the capital of the United States, for one day. Now, it's best known as a rest stop on the turnpike.

1940: In World War II, the Tripartite Pact is signed in Berlin by Germany, Japan, Italy, Lex Luthor the Riddler and the Hob Goblin.

September 26th

46 BC: Julius Caesar dedicates a temple to his mythical ancestor Venus Genetrix in accordance with a pledge he made at annual Roman Labor Day telethon.

1580: Sir Francis Drake finishes his circumnavigation of the Earth, and looks to use his frequent sailing miles to get an upgrade to first class in his next cruise.

1820: Colonel Robert Gibbon Johnson proved tomatoes weren't poisonous by eating several on the steps of the courthouse in Salem, New Jersey. The locals stone him to death anyway... just in case.

1908: Ed Reulbach becomes the first and only pitcher to throw two complete game shutouts in one day. Now they take pitchers out of the game when they go after their 75-pitch count.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dallas Bomb Plotter
A 19-year-old Jordanian man has been arrested for trying to blow up a Dallas office building. Investigators say the suspectwas a dead giveaway in this economy when he toured the building claiming to be interested in opening a business there.

Second Iranian Plant
Iran admits that it is now running a new, previously undeclared, facility to enrich uranium. The other plant has been remodeled to produce more b.s. for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to say at the U.N.

Paterson's Claims
New York Governor David Paterson still insists no one from the Obama Administration has told him to drop out of the 2010 race.. maybe that's because no one at the White House has figured out they need to send Paterson notes in Braille.

Al's Big Loan
The Obama administration has approved a $529 million loan to a car company backed by Al Gore. No one is sure if the company will ever get off the ground, but getting Al Gore to stop bothering the White House is apparently worth half a billion dollars.

Donut Robberies
Philadelphia police are searching for an armed robber who they say struck two Dunkin' Donut shops in two days. The cash stolen was one thing, but when the cops found out he took all their krullers, they got really mad!

September 25th

1066: The Vikings are crushed at the Battle of Stamford Bridge, mostly because of too many fumbles and a missed field goal.

1981: Sandra Day O'Connor is sworn in as the first female justice of the Supreme Court... but William Brennan remains the cutest justice

2008: China launches the Shenzhou 7, a special surveillance satellite meant to make sure all its nation's eight-year-olds are making cheap TV's 24/7.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

AIDS Vaccine Breakthrough
A new vaccine to fight AIDs has proven effective in 30% of the people who tried it... the other 70% had had sex with Madonna.

Obama at the U.N.
During his speech yesterday, President Obama said it was time to usher in a new era of responsibility for the United Nations. It's not clear if he was talking about stopping nuclear proliferation or getting all the delegates to pay their outstanding parking tickets.

President Obama will preside over the U.N. Security Council today. The first oreder of business will be trying to find a way to keep the U.N. secure from any more speeches from Moammar Gadhafi.

Moore's Conclusion
Filmmaker Michael Moore says capitalism has proved it's failed. Although the only capitalists who have clearly failed are the ones who sold Moore their diet plans.

Dreamliner Status
Boeing says its new 787 Dreamliner could take its first flight within 2 months... also known as the average delay time at La Guardia.

Hope Diamond Move
The Smithsonian is moving the Hope Diamond for the first time since 1958. It will now be on display at a pawn shop in Beijing.

September 24th

1664: The Dutch Republic surrenders New Amsterdam to England... mostly because the Dutch can't find their way around Greenwich Village.

1890: The Mormon Church officially renounces polygamy... thus killing the only good reason to join the Mormon Church.

1948: The Honda Motor Company is founded. The UAW officially responds by taking another coffee break.

1957: President Dwight D. Eisenhower sends 101st Airborne Division troops to Little Rock, Arkansas, to enforce desegregation.... and to keep the peace at the Alabama-Arkansas football tailgate.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Stunning Revelation
Actress Mackenzie Phillips reveals she had a long-term incestuous relationship with her famous father, musician John Philips. So he's the one guy in the world who would sleep with her.

Mayan Ruin Discovery
Newly discovered Mayan ruins may help explain the collapse of that civilization. Experts believe the buildings once housed a government-run Mayan hospital that gave away health care for free.

ACORN Defense
ACORN has hired several lawyers to help fight accusations that the organization supports prostitution. It was one thing when they helped hookers find work, but employing lawyers is really making Americans mad!

Afghan Strategy
President Obama is considering a major troop reduction in Afghanistan. He had been in favor of boosting troop levels, but then he found out that firing machine guns isn't carbon neutral.

Cubs Sale Problems
The Chicago Cubs are having trouble finalizing the sale of the team to a group of investors. The firm keeps paying the team the money, but the Cubs players keep dropping the money.

September 23rd

1642: First commencement exercises occur at Harvard College, setting a record for the most pompous snobs in one place in the new world.

1988: José Canseco of the Oakland Athletics becomes the first member of the 40-40 club with 40 steroid injections in 40 days.

1999: NASA announces that it has lost contact with the Mars Climate Orbiter... mostly because they had really been growing apart since the kids left home.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Reports say that former Senator John Edwards talked a campaign aide into claiming he fathered a child born to Edwards' mistress. In return, the aide got a promotion, cash, and an appointment with Edwards' hairdresser.

Matthews' Claim
Singer Dave Matthews says he sees racism everywhere in America... which is weird, because usually he's too stoned to see anything.

Paterson Says No!
New York Governor David Paterson is ignoring President Obama's request that he not run for re-election. Because the governor is blind, MSNBC is having a harder time accusing Paterson of rejecting the president because of racism.

French Eviction
French police have rounded up and deported about 300 Afghans and Pakistanis who were camping out in Calais. The government made the move when it heard the refugees were drinking white wine with beef.

Rough Night at the Opera
Last night's premiere of Puccini’s “Tosca” was met with boos from the crowd at the Metropolitan Opera in New York. But the audience did cheer when Kanye West jumped onstage and assaulted the fat lady.

September 22nd

1692: The last people hanged for witchcraft in the United States. Nowadays, we're only allowed to make fun of Tom Cruise.

1975: Sara Jane Moore tries to assassinate U.S. President Gerald Ford, but is foiled when the bullet doesn't believe Ford is really the president and hits one of his bodyguards instead.

2003: David Hempleman-Adams becomes the first person to cross the Atlantic Ocean in an open-air, wicker-basket hot air balloon. It takes six month to get all the seagull poop off of him, but he does it!

Soap Box Derby Problems
The Soap Box Derby is searching for a new sponsor. It was rejected for government funding when it turned out it produced more reliable cars than GM and Chrysler.

Crazed Man Caught
An escaped murderer held at a mental hospital has been captured after he escaped during a field trip in Spokane, Washington. He was easy to find, the cops just went to the nearest health care town hall.

Obama on a lot of TV
President Obama appeared on five Sunday morning talk shows for interviews yesterday. It didn't convince anyone to support health care reform, but it did wonders for everyone who had Obama as a starter on their talk show fantasy teams.

Terror Suspect Arrested
A Muslim man has been arrested in Colorado after it turns out he had been trained in weapons and explosives in Pakistan... but what was really suspicious about him was that he had flown into LaGuardia Airport six times in the past month and hadn't killed himself yet.

Public Option Back
Congressional Democrats say the "public option" insurance plan is back on the table now that no Republicans are supporting the health care bill. This is just like when Nancy Pelosi starts thinking about more plastic surgery when she runs out of Prozac.

September 21st

1780: Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point... that was forgiveable, but when he gave Navy the Army football playbook, that went too far.

1860: In the Second Opium War, an Anglo-French force defeats Chinese troops at the Battle of Baliqiao. The Third Opium War is currently being fought at 177th Street and Broadway.

1970: New York Times starts the first modern op-ed page. In the past, op-ed pages had been something more than an advertisement for the Democratic party.