Mistressgate
Reports say that former Senator John Edwards talked a campaign aide into claiming he fathered a child born to Edwards' mistress. In return, the aide got a promotion, cash, and an appointment with Edwards' hairdresser.



Matthews' Claim
Singer Dave Matthews says he sees racism everywhere in America... which is weird, because usually he's too stoned to see anything.



Paterson Says No!
New York Governor David Paterson is ignoring President Obama's request that he not run for re-election. Because the governor is blind, MSNBC is having a harder time accusing Paterson of rejecting the president because of racism.




French Eviction
French police have rounded up and deported about 300 Afghans and Pakistanis who were camping out in Calais. The government made the move when it heard the refugees were drinking white wine with beef.



Rough Night at the Opera
Last night's premiere of Puccini’s “Tosca” was met with boos from the crowd at the Metropolitan Opera in New York. But the audience did cheer when Kanye West jumped onstage and assaulted the fat lady.






September 22nd


1692: The last people hanged for witchcraft in the United States. Nowadays, we're only allowed to make fun of Tom Cruise.


1975: Sara Jane Moore tries to assassinate U.S. President Gerald Ford, but is foiled when the bullet doesn't believe Ford is really the president and hits one of his bodyguards instead.


2003: David Hempleman-Adams becomes the first person to cross the Atlantic Ocean in an open-air, wicker-basket hot air balloon. It takes six month to get all the seagull poop off of him, but he does it!