Obama Speech
On the 1st anniversary of the Lehman Brothers collapse, President Obama is set to make a major address on the financial industry. That speech is scheduled for noon, just after his major speech on education, and right before his major speech on overexposure.



New Bin Laden Tape
A new tape of Osama bin Laden features the terrorist leader saying President Obama is "powerless." The White House is responding by scheduling a major speech on powerlessness.



Old Synagogue
The ruins of a 2000-year-old synagogue has been discovered in Israel. Archaeologists believe the congregation disbanded after it invested its endowment with a ponzi schemer.




Miley's Tickets
Concert organizers have announced that Miley Cyrus is going paperless for all ticket sales on her upcoming 45-city tour. This is a new development since she usually just goes talentless.





September 14th

1847: In the Mexican-American War, General Winfield Scott captures Mexico City... but he is forced to retreat 3 days later because of the smog.


1948: Groundbreaking for the United Nations headquarters in New York City... dozens of future UN diplomats immediately begin parking illegally.


1960: The Organization of the Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) is founded... led by the Joker, the Hob Goblin and Lex Luthor.


1994: The Major League Baseball season is canceled because of a strike; the steroid market collapses.


2008: Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis announces the bank's intention to acquire Merrill Lynch... then Ben Bernanke and Hank Paulson take his head of the vise.