School Speech
In his speech to school children today, the White House says President Obama will talk about the supreme importance of personal responsibility... unless they want to grow up to be a bailed out auto executive or an adult who wants the government to pay for his health insurance.



Big Rats
Scientists have discovered a new species of giant rat in a remote rainforest in Papua New Guinea... they were masquerading as several members of Congress on a lobbyist-sponsored junket.



Controversial Ordination
A registered sex offender in Kentucky is about to be ordained as a minister. Boy, talk about putting the cart before the horse!



Labor Day Unions
Several of America's unions marked Labor Day by attending political rallies and picnics... kind of like what they do every other day they're supposed to be at work.



Joe No Go
Former Congressman Joe Kennedy has announced he will not run for his late uncle Ted Kennedy's Senate Seat. The younger Kennedy decided against it once he learned he would have to assume all of Teddy's bar debts.





September 8th


1331: Stefan Dušan declares himself king of Serbia. Sure it was great to be king, but the world was still 500 years away from having toilet paper.


1504: Michelangelo's David is unveiled in Florence. The city's critics and pigeons show their immediate appreciation.


1565: Pedro Menéndez de Avilés settles St. Augustine, Florida with the first condo and golf course development in the new world.


1888: In England the first six Football League matches ever are played, giving British citizens an excuse to stage drunken riots for generations to come.


1966: Star Trek premieres on NBC. William Shatner's toupee debuts three weeks later.