New Tactic
The White House says President Obama is planning to take a more "hands-on approach" in the health care debate... mostly by putting both of his hands around Nancy Pelosi's throat.



Gmail Outage
Gmail was inaccessible for several hours yesterday, forcing millions of Americans to endure the pain of actually having to talk to each other.



Crowded Libraries
Libraries across the country are filling up with people waiting to get online to look for job openings... making the recession the most painful for the millions of Americans who usually rely on library computers to download child porn.



Afghan Vote Fraud?
Opposition Afghan tribal leaders say President Hamid Karzai’s team forged 23,900 votes, something they would do too if they could only write.



City's New Plan
New York City says it's going to be more prepared this fall for the swine flu than it was last spring. The new strategy relies mainly on isolating the people most likely to have serious ailments... which means quarantining everyone on the New York Mets.





September 2nd

1789: The United States Department of the Treasury is founded. It is a $1 billion in debt by the end of the first day.


1833: Oberlin College is founded by John Shipherd and Philo P. Stewart as a place where horny guys know they can find easy intellectual chicks.


1885: In Rock Springs, Wyoming, 150 white miners, who are struggling to unionize so they could strike for better wages and work conditions, attack their Chinese fellow workers, killing 28, wounding 15, and forcing several hundred more out of town. But the jokes on them when they all start jonesing for some decent Moo Goo Gai Pan about an hour later.


1901: Vice President of the United States Theodore Roosevelt utters the famous phrase, "Speak softly and carry a big stick" at the Minnesota State Fair... or the Adult Porn Convention in Las Vegas, it works either way.