CIA Tactics
A new report says that CIA interrogators threatened an al Qaeda prisoner with a gun and an electric drill to try to scare him into giving up information. Another new report says that no one in America gives a damn.



Islam's Greatest Hits, Vol. 2,256
A Malaysian model is set to become the first woman to be caned in that country for breaking Islamic law and drinking beer in public. American women's rights groups would try to intervene, but they're too busy calling town hall protesters racists and Nazis to do anything about it.



Student Privacy Concern
Privacy advocates are demanding that colleges stop sharing student contact information with outside sources. The students would protest themselves, but they're too busy putting up half-nude pictures of themselves on Facebook.



Jenkins Found Dead
Ryan Alexander Jenkins, the reality TV contestant suspected in his wife's brutal slaying, was found hanging from a coat rack in a motel room last night. The discovery comes as a tough blow to the people of Libya, who were planning on giving him a hero's welcome.



Madoff Cancer?
Bernie Madoff has reportedly been telling his fellow inmates that he has cancer and does not have much longer to live... but that's standard federal prisoner procedure before you get gang-raped.

Madoff Cancer II?
Bernie Madoff has reportedly been telling his fellow inmates that he has cancer and does not have much longer to live... considering how many Jews he's victimized, he's probably just trying to get an early release and a hero's welcome in Libya.





August 24th


79: Mount Vesuvius erupts. The cities of Pompeii, Herculaneum, and Stabiae are buried in volcanic ash. The victims are still trying to collect their homeowners insurance.

1456: The printing of the Gutenberg Bible is completed. It is immediately put in the night table drawer at the nearest hotel.

1989: Cincinnati Reds manager Pete Rose is banned from baseball for gambling and distracting his players from taking steroids.


2006: The International Astronomical Union declares that Pluto is too small to be a planet. Pluto becomes self-conscious and blows thousands in shady "male enhancement" products.