Vick to the Eagles
Michael Vick has been signed by the Philadelphia Eagles for $1.2 million. As someone who once bred, tortured, and killed attack dogs, Vick should be very comfortable with most Eagles fans.



Phelps Accident
Olympic swimming star Michael Phelps collided with another car while driving in Baltimore last night. Phelps says he was just trying to push off before making a turn.



Smoking Case Award
A Florida jury has awarded a 92-year-old man $1.9 million in compensatory damages for the death of his wife, a former two-pack-a-day Marlboro smoker. As a result, a pack of Marlboros now costs $1.9 million.



Woodstock Anniversary
This weekend marks the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. The people who attended are now mostly in their 60's... so just like it was at the concert, they're finding it hard to go to the bathroom.



Obamas in the Parks
President Obama and family are scheduled to take a whirlwind tour of two Western national parks this weekend. Democratic strategists are scrambling to pack the parks with pro-health care reform deer and union-only trees.






August 14th



1842: Second Seminole War ends, with the Seminoles forced from Florida to Oklahoma, where the NCAA offers them three more years of eligibility.


1846: A 2.3 kilogram chondrite-type meteorite strikes the town of Cape Girardeau, Missouri. But the town clearly looks better after the meteorite hits.


1893: France introduces motor vehicle registration. So getting stuck at the DMV is another thing you can blame on the French.


1908: The first beauty contest is held in Folkestone, England. This is Britain, so the one girl with more than three teeth wins.

1935: The United States Social Security Act passes, creating a government pension system for the retired, and endless lines at banks and 7-11's forevermore.

1945: Japan accepts the Allied terms of surrender in World War II. Allies forget to add a clause demanding that they never build decent cars.