Pelosi's Promise
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is promising that if health care reform is pased, "no one will ever have to declare bankruptcy because of medical bills again"... great news for everyone who smokes a carton of cigarettes and eats 10 Big Macs a day.



Obama's Promise
At yesterday's health care town hall in New Hampshire, President Obama promised to take $500 billion to $600 billion in costs out of American medicine without affecting the quality of care. This is mostly because he thinks the magazine subscriptions in your doctor's office cost him half a million bucks per year.



Pitino Admission
University of Louisville men's basketball coach Rick Pitino has told police that he had sex with a woman and paid her to have an abortion. It's not clear if Pitino just had a random affair, or if he was giving everyone a preview of what the government plans to do to us under Obamacare.




Madoff Partner Pleads
Bernard Madoff's former top financial aide, Frank DiPascali, has pleaded guilty to conspiracy, securities fraud and eight other charges. Prosecutors are hoping to process DiPascali's charges quickly in hopes of getting him back to work at the White Houe budget office as soon as possible.



Rove Involved?
Congressional testimony and e-mails now show that Karl Rove and others played an early and active role in the 2006 firings of dozens of U.S. Attorneys... making Rove a hero to millions of Americans who never believed they'd ever see lawyers get fired by anyone.






30 BC: Cleopatra commits suicide... but only after consulting with the "end of life" advisers from the Egyptian Nationalized Health Care Office.


1908: Ford builds the first Model T. It gets two miles per gallon, but the whole damn car only costs 50 cents.


1981: The IBM Personal Computer is released. The countdown to Internet porn begins.


1994: Major League Baseball players go on strike. The work stoppage forces the cancellation of the 1994 World Series, and the collapse of steroid and syringe makers nationwide.


2004: New Jersey Governor James McGreevey comes out publicly as a gay man, asks people to continue sending him bribes but through his boyfriend's office only.