Bill in N. Korea
Former President Bill Clinton landed in North Korea early today to negotiate for the release of Laura Ling and Euna Lee held there since March. Usually, Clinton doesn't negotiate for any women until will he's assured they're not undercover cops.



Drugs vs. Therapy
A new study shows that the number of Americans using antidepressants doubled while the number seeing psychiatrists continued to fall... proving that more and more Americans are getting depressed about not being able to pay their psychiatrists' bills.



Sudanese Sentence
A Sudanese woman is facing 40 lashes for wearing trousers in violation of the country's Islamic laws. Most Americans are protesting the sentence, except for Perez Hilton, who says she deserves it because the pants made her ass look big.



Fatah Convention
Leaders of the Palestinian Fatah terror movement are holding their annual convention this week. Not surprisingly, none of the delegates can find anyone willing to valet park their cars.



Angry Grad
A recent Monroe College graduate is suing her alma mater for $72,000 because she cannot find a job. Meanwhile, every graduate of MIT is suing their alma mater because they cannot find a date.




August 4th

1693: Dom Perignon invents of Champagne. A day later, he invents the Champagne headache.


1789: France's aristocracy takes an oath to end feudalism and abandon their privileges. It's amazing what you can get a few Frenchmen to do if you give them really good cheese.

1977: President Jimmy Carter signs legislation creating the United States Department of Energy, and immediately ending our nation's energy problems forevermore.