Abdul Leaves Idol
Paula Abdul has just announced that she is leaving American Idol. Shares in all the leading pharmaceutical companies are down sharply on the news.



Official Denial
The White House is strongly denying that former President Bill Clinton issued any kind of apology to North Korea in return for gaining the release of two imprisoned American journalists. Apologizing to evil dictators is strictly President Obama's job.



Stimulus Road Show
President Obama and Vice President Biden go on the road today to argue the stimulus is working. They expect to speak before record crowds outside unemployment offices across the country.



Cop in Trouble
A Boston-area police officer is being investigated after texting a picture of his penis to a woman. The cop insists he was working undercover.



Terror Convention Highlights
At the Fatah Convention in the West Bank, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas boasted that Palestinians driving in cars are now wearing seat belts... whether they're suicide bombing or not!

After a long day of convention speeches, the delegates are all adjourning to their hotel in Ramallah to watch a belly dancing show... and then stone the belly dancer to death.



August 5th

910: The last major Viking army to raid England is defeated at the Battle of Tettenhall by the allied forces of Mercia, Wessex, and some drunken geeks from the Renaissance fair.


1620: The Mayflower departs from Southampton, England on its voyage to North America. It is learned later that the trip was sponsored by the turkey farmers and pro football lobbies.


1763: British forces led by Henry Bouquet defeat Chief Pontiac's Indians at Bushy Run. The turning point occurs when the Pontiacs suffer a failed transmission.


1861: The United States Army abolishes flogging. Thousands of gay soldiers begin going AWOL immediately.


1974: The U.S. Congress places a $1 billion dollar limit on military aid to South Vietnam... unless they agree to turn in their old cars for newer models that get better gas mileage.