August 8th


1509: The Emperor Krishnadeva Raya is crowned, marking the beginning of the Vijayanagara Empire and the end of anything pronounceable in India.

1709: Bartolomeu de Gusmão demonstrates the lifting power of hot air in an audience before the King of Portugal... but if he were really right, Congress would have floated over the moon by now.


1786: Mont Blanc on the French- Italian border is climbed for the first time by Jacques Balmat and Dr. Michel-Gabriel Paccard. The stunt becomes a great advertising tool for their overpriced pens.


1839: Beta Theta Pi is founded in Oxford, Ohio as a homage to vomiting and date rape.


1844: The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, headed by Brigham Young, is reaffirmed as the leading body of the Mormon Church... only to be usurped 120 years later by the Osmonds.


1863: Following his defeat in the Battle of Gettysburg, General Robert E. Lee sends a letter of resignation to Confederate President Jefferson Davis. The letter is refused when Lee demands a $17 million severance package.


1876: Thomas Edison receives a patent for his mimeograph and begins making a fortune selling the ink to high school sniffing addicts across the country.


1945: The UN Charter is signed by the United States... foreign diplomats immediately begin illegally parking all across New York City.


1988: The lights are turned on at Wrigley Field for the first time... Cubs fans suddenly realize how drunk and ugly they really are.