Debris Warning
The new mayor of Hoboken, New Jersey is urging residents not to touch any debris they might find from Saturday's chopper-plane collision over the Hudson. That's because messing around with wreckage could delay citizens from sending her bribes.



Chino Riot
More than 250 inmates were injured in a riot that erupted overnight at the California state prison in Chino. The prisoners were outraged that prison guards were expecting them to accept state IOU's instead of the usual cigarettes and rape coupons.


Chino Riot II
More than 250 inmates were injured in a riot that erupted overnight at the California state prison in Chino. But things remain calm at the neighboring state prison in Khaki.



Angry AARP'ers
Some AARP members are so angry about the organizations' support for health care reform, they're ripping up their AARP cards... some members are also burning their adult diapers.



Durbin's Accusation
Democrat Senator Dick Durbin says the anti-health reform protests at several town halls across the country have been orchestrated by a "lobbyist"... and if that lobbyist is available to help Democrats get their acts together he can call him on his private number anytime!



New Private Jets for the House?
Members of the House of Representatives want to spend $550 million on a new fleet of private jets for themselves. The congressmen insist that they can't fly commercial and be expected to carry around all those bribes in their checked luggage.




August 10th

610: Muhammad begins to receive the Qur'an... in an unmarked container that somehow slipped through airport security.


1776: Word of the United States Declaration of Independence reaches London... it took 37 days because Twitter was down.


1846: The Smithsonian Institution is chartered, overprices postcards and dinosaur toys immediately go up for sale in the gift shop.