Volt Mileage
GM says its new electric Chevy Volt will get 230 miles per gallon... which is a good thing since there will be 23,000 miles between electric filling stations.



Obama Town Hall
President Obama is holding a health care town hall in Portsmouth, New Hampshire today. In light of the recent outbursts at these town halls, the crowd has already been pre-screened and pre-tasered.



Need College?
Ohio University economist Richard Vedder says he's not sure everybody has the interest, the ability or the need to pursue a college degree. Luckily no one in the admissions office at Ohio University has ever had the time to ask those hard questions.



Church Recruiting
More and more churches have been advertising to bring folks back into the fold. The most popular campaign is being conducted by the Methodist Church, which is offering a "cash for clunkers" $4,500 award for people who turn in their secular relatives.



Russian Alcoholism
A shocking 30,000 people die from drinking in Russia every year... stunning world experts who can't believe that all the other Russians aren't willing to drink themselves to death too.



Shriver Dead
Eunice Kennedy Shriver has died at the age of 88. The secret to her longevity was never getting into a car with her brothers Jack or Teddy.




August 11th


3114 BC: The Mesoamerican Long Count calendar, used by several civilations, notably the Mayans, begins. Mesoamerican calendars with cheesy pictures of cats go on sale immediately.


1804: Francis II assumes the title of first Emperor of Austria... nobody cares and he goes back to working at 7-11.


1929: Babe Ruth becomes the first baseball player to hit 500 home runs in his career with a home run at League Park in Cleveland, Ohio. Post game urine tests come back positive for an overdose of beer and hot dogs.


1960: Chad declares independence... from his abusive and unfaithful boyfriend, Tad.