Foreclosure Spike
The number of foreclosures hit a record high in July... as thousands of angry Americans flocked to health care town halls and forgot to pay their mortgages.



Tyler Condition
Nearly a week after Aerosmith's lead singer Steven Tyler fell off the stage at a South Dakota concert, his current medical condition is still a mystery. His hospital currently lists several possible conditions for rock stars: "Stable," "Serious," "Critical," and "Keith Richards."



San Quentin Expansion?
California needs to build another death row at San Quentin prison. The state is so broke, it's setting inmates free and just issuing them I.O.U.'s for a lethal injection at a later date.



Sugar Spike
The price of sugar is shooting higher, causing shortages across the country. The spike is expected to hurt food companies, supermarkets, and people whose entire knowlege of American history comes from what they read on the back of sugar packets at the diner.





Madoff Affair
One of Bernie Madoff's victims says she also had an affair with the now-jailed financier. She says she should have known something was up when he charged her for every orgasm.






August 13th



1516: The Treaty of Noyon between France and Spain is signed. Francis recognises Charles's claim to Naples, and Charles recognises Francis's claim to Milan... and both Charles and Francis recognize each other's claims on the comely maiden in the 3rd row.


1831: Nat Turner and 70 other slaves kill approximately 55 whites in Southampton County, Virginia. Slaveowners blame talk radio.


1918: BMW is established as a public company in Germany, making this a national holiday for clueless Yuppies all over the world.


2008: Swimmer Michael Phelps sets the Olympic record for most the gold medals won by an individual in Olympic history... all while taking bong hits in between each lap.