Teddy Dead
Senator Ted Kennedy has died at the age of 77. Funeral plans are not set, but it's a pretty good bet there won't be a burial at sea.


Senator Ted Kennedy has died at the age of 77. Bartenders and hookers from Massachusetts to Washington, D.C. have already applied for a federal bailout.


Kennedy's closest friends say his death has deprived him of accomplishing what he called the 'cause of my life.' It's not clear if that was universal health insurance or getting a $3 wings and shooters special at Hooters.


Doctors say Kennedy's brain cancer became more aggressive in recent weeks, and Kennedy lost his will to fight back when he heard beer prices have gone up nationwide in recent weeks.

The sad news is Ted Kennedy has died. The sadder news is his burial site is being prepared by the same people responsible for the "Big Dig."



Veil-Stripping Ruling
Michigan's Supreme Court has ruled that lower court judges can legally require Muslim women to removed their head coverings during trials. Most Muslims have refused to do so on the grounds that removing the veils will make it harder for them to forget that they're in Michigan.



Postal Buyouts
The US Postal Service is offering $15,000 to workers who quit or retire by the end of this year. The only trouble will be trying to find someone at the post office who is actually working.


Postal Buyouts II
The U.S. Postal Service is offering early retirement buyouts to tens of thousands of employees. If there's any justice in this world, all of those retirees will have to line up to get their checks at the one window at the post office where there actually is an attendant.



August 26th


1862: In the American Civil War, the Second Battle of Bull Run begins. Unfortunately, it does not do as well at the opening weekend box office as the original.


1939: The first Major League Baseball game is telecast, a doubleheader between the Cincinnati Reds and the Brooklyn Dodgers at Ebbets Field. Midway through the second inning, millions of TV viewers realize baseball sucks without peanuts and hot dogs.


1970: The the new feminist movement, led by Betty Friedan, leads a nation-wide Women's Strike for Equality. Nobody gets any for three weeks.


1996: Bill Clinton signs welfare reform into law, thus relieving the U.S. government from continuing to support his thousands of illegitimate children.