Big Speech
In tonight's speech before a joint session of Congress, the White House says President Obama will re-invigorate his push for health care reform... mostly by promising every member of the House and Senate free treatment for their sexually transmitted diseases.



Apple's Big Day
Excitement is growing as Apple is set to make a huge announcement later today. Some expect the company to introduce a new iPhone, others say Beatles music will now be on iTunes, and other just expect Steve Jobs to offer a new iPhone and a Beatles CD to the first person who gives him a new pancreas.



Daring Raid
Kidnapped New York Times reporter Stephen Farrell was freed from the Taliban today in a pre-dawn military raid that left a British commando dead. Farrell is looking forward to getting back to the newsroom to write an editorial denouncing his rescuers as too reckless.



Widlfire Grows
Firefighters say the Southern California wildfire is now twice the size of Sacramento... but only half as destructive.



TSA Liquid Ban Staying
The Transportation Safety Administration says the airline ban on liquids won't be lifted anytime soon. That's bad news for most Delta Airlines pilots who like to bring their own tequila on board.






September 9th


1776: The Continental Congress officially names the new union of sovereign states the "United States." All agree it's not a perfect name, but a Hell of a lot better than "Canada."


1791: Washington, D.C., the capital of the United States, is named after President George Washington... and because everyone who spends any time there really needs a good washing.


1850: California is admitted as the 31st U.S. state. It immediately bursts into flames.


1956: Elvis Presley appears on The Ed Sullivan Show for the first time... and American women first discover the orgasm.