New Idol Judge
Ellen DeGeneres will be the new judge on American Idol, even though she has no music industry experience. She will replace Paula Abdul, who had no experience speaking coherent English.



House Outburst
Republican House member Joe Wilson is apologizing for shouting "you lie" when President Obama insisted that illegal aliens wouldn't get health insurance under the Democrats' plan. The president says he was offended because Wilson didn't yell his insult in Spanish.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi glared at Congressman Wilson after his outburst. It's not clear if she was angry at him or just experiencing a Botox freeze.



WSU Swine Flu
An outbreak of swine flu at Washington State University continues to move across campus. School officials considered canceling classes to stop the spread of the illness, but no one's gone to class at Washington State for 23 years.



Rock Band Flop?
Yesterday's release of The Beatles: Rock Band game has produced disappointing sales results so far. It turns out pretending to be a 60's rocker isn't as much fun without all the sex with groupies and drugs.




September 10th




1419: John the Fearless, Duke of Burgundy, is assassinated... providing final proof that his brother, Frank the Chickenshit, was a lot smarter.


1963: 20 African-American students enter public schools in Alabama. While it was a landmark day for integration... they were still Alabama schools, so the kids were actually better educated on the farm.


1972: At the Munich Olympics, the U.S. loses its first international basketball game in a disputed match against the Soviet Union. The referees are later proven to have taken bribes when large amounts of Russian female hair removal products are found in their luggage.


2003: Anna Lindh, the foreign minister of Sweden, is fatally stabbed while shopping, and dies the following day. This is what happens when you spend too much time at Ikea.