ACORN Workers Caught
Two ACORN workers in Baltimore have been caught on tape giving tips to a prostitute on how to run her business and avoid paying taxes. After seeing the video, several members of Congress have hired the workers as consultants.



Gender Bender
New reports show that "female" world-champion South African runner Caster Semenya has both male and female genitals... but a few more steroid treatments and she'll be all woman in no time.



Hero Shoe-Thrower
The man who threw his shoes at President George W. Bush is being given a hero's welcome as he leaves jail in Iraq. People in Baghdad naturally idolize anyone who was lucky enough to have shoes.



Drug Abuse Down
A new study shows fewer Americans abused prescription drugs last year than in 2007. With the economy in a shambles, people realized they needed to treat their drugs really, really nicely.



Levin on Afghanistan
Senator Carl Levin now says that he is against sending more American combat troops to Afghanistan. Levin needs the soldiers to stay in the U.S. to protect him and his colleagues at those health care town hall meetings.



1185: Isaac II Angelus kills Stephanus Hagiochristophorites and then appeals to the people... to stop messing with those unpronounceable names.

1609: Henry Hudson discovers Manhattan Island... but finds no parking.


1789: Alexander Hamilton is appointed as the first United States Secretary of the Treasury and immediately bails out six banks, a stock brokerage, and a hedge fund.


1891: The Jewish Colonization Association is established by Baron Maurice de Hirsch. The group begins by considering going into New Jersey.


1972: Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) in San Francisco, California begins regular service. Passengers are still waiting for the first train to show up.