Racism Charge
Former President Jimmy Carter says racism is the basis for most of the criticism of President Obama... confirming once again that the only person Americans hated simply for being an inept president was Jimmy Carter.



Airline Drug Ring
Several American Airlines employees have been arrested on charges of drug smuggling. Investigators became suspicious when they learned that there were several pieces of luggage the airline workers were actually not losing.



Allergy Effect
A new study reveals that allergies reduce a person's sex drive... which is too bad, because there's nothing hotter than kissing a snotty, wheezing chick whose breaking out in hives.



Hot Planet
Scientists have discovered a planet with a surface temperature of 3,600 degrees Fahrenheit... now we just need to create a sunscreen with a 15,000,000 SPF.



New Fuel Standards
The Obama administration announced tough new fuel-economy standards that it says will add $1,100 to the price of every American car... as soon as someone buys an American car.




September 16th


1776: In the American Revolutionary War, the Battle of Harlem Heights is fought. The British eventually decide to give up when they can't find any cabs that will take them that far uptown.


1908: General Motors is founded, and the first GM car breaks down.


1920: A bomb in a horse wagon explodes in front of the J.P.Morgan building on Wall Street. 38 are killed, 400 injured and 15 banks ask for a bailout.


1955: Juan Perón is deposed in Argentina... mostly because he's just not a good a Broadway singer as his wife Evita.


1966: The Metropolitan Opera House opens at Lincoln Center in New York City. Outside, dozens of New Yorkers christen the building with their own urine.