Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Fertilizer Shortage
Reports show that there is a worldwide fertilizer shortage... and that's the first time that's happened in a U.S. presidential election year.

Fed Decision
The Federal Reserve is expected to cut interest rates today, which should make it easier for Americans to borrow money to buy gas.

LSD Inventor Dies
Albert Hofmann, the man who created LSD, died in Switzerland yesterday. The only other man who's made more Americans lose touch with reality is Barack Obama.

GM Losses
GM lost $3.3 billion in the first quarter of this year, but that is actually being cheered on Wall Street where traders expected worse news. In that light, GM is now projecting a second quarter loss of "500 million billion trillion dollars."

Robot Surgeries
More hospitals are using a robotic device to help perform heart bypass surgeries. This is freeing up doctors to do more the important work of filling out insurance forms.

Nevada Quakes
A continuing series of earthquakes is seriously rattling residents of Reno, Nevada... especially since none of the tremors has done anything to shake the change out of any slot machines.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Egan Angry
New York's Cardinal Egan is bashing Rudy Giuliani for taking Communion during the Pope's visit last week. Giuliani is promising to make it up to Eagan by allowing him to perform his next three marriages.

Clemens Affair
A new report claims that Roger Clemens had a relationship with country singer Mindy McCready beginning when the girl was just 15 years old. Clemens is denying the report and plans to make a public statement as soon as he can tear himself away from those Hannah Montana pictures in Vanity Fair.

Grand Theft 4
The latest version of the "Grand Theft Auto" video game hits stores today. In this edition, gas is actually more expensive than the drugs.

U.S. Population
A population expert says the U.S. will have 1 billion residents by the year 2100... raising concerns that the American Idol phone lines won't be able to handle all the added traffic.

American Bleeding Money
A new report shows that American Airlines loses $3.3 million a day... which explains why they really don't care too much about losing your bags.

UN vs. Starvation
The U.N. is setting up a special commission to deal with the growing world food crisis... which means everyone on that committee is working hard to find a way to blame it on Israel.

Monday, April 28, 2008

L.A. Wildfires
Wildfires in the L.A. area have forced 1,000 people to flee their homes... causing traffic jams as they collide with the 100,000 people abandoning their foreclosed homes.

Checks Coming
The first stimulus checks are being deposited in the accounts of taxpayers who were smart enough to sign up for direct deposit with the IRS. But the really smart tax payers are just having their checks deposited directly to the gas station.

Wrigley's Bought
The good news for Warren Buffett and Mars is that Wrigley's is accepting their bid to buy the company. The bad news is that they're now the target of a massive class action law suit filed by every American who ever had chewing gum stuck in their hair.

No Merger
Continental has decided against merging with United Airlines. Continental executives figure they can reignite merger talks when they see the guys from United in bankruptcy court in a couple months.

Hannah's Hot Pix
"Hannah Montana" star Miley Cyrus has posed for some revealing photos in Vanity Fair... so now in addition to 8-year-old girls, scalpers will be selling Hannah Montana tickets on all the pedophile web sites as well.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Airline Merger
United and Continental Airlines are in advanced merger talks. The new combined airline will be known as "UnContented."

Sharpton Threat
Al Sharpton is vowing to "shut down the city," after three New York City police officers were acquitted in the shooting of Sean Bell. Sharpton has a point: when a drunken man can't ram his car into police officers after being at a strip club until 4am on his wedding day... well, what CAN a person do in America anymore?

Bell Reaction
Local New York TV stations are reporting some loud and angry protests in response to the Sean Bell verdict... but not as loud and angry as the two guys fighting for a parking sport on Parsons Boulevard.

Hillary's Challenge
Hillary Clinton is challenging Brack Obama to a series of debates with no moderator. Obama is willing to accept, provided the moderator be replaced by a lie detector.

Etrade Brass Leaving
ETrade's CFO and General Counsel are both resigning, effective May 9th. Actually they'd like to leave sooner, but they can't leave until they can get notify a real person at ETrade customer service.

Curing Blindness
Scientists are progressing nicely in their use of gene therapy to cure blindness. The really tricky part is helping the formerly blind patients from going into cardiac arrest when they first see the prices at the gas station.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Verhoeven Slams Jesus
Film director Paul Verhoeven has written a book suggesting that Jesus was fathered by a Roman soldier who raped Mary. Of course, Verhoeven has nothing to fear unless the book also contains cartoons of Mohammed.

Pacman Traded
The Tennessee Titans traded cornerback Pacman Jones to the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday... although it's less of a trade than it is a prisoner transfer.

Bush to Meet Abbas
President Bush meets with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas today. The two men are expected to disagree about Israeli security concerns and Palestinian terrorism, but they will agree that Jimmy Carter is an ass.

Culture Shock
The children pulled out of the polygamist compound in Texas are reportedly undergoing deep culture shock. But the only thing they do understand is why Star Jones is getting divorced.

Ford Profits!
Ford Motor Co. shocked investors by posting an actual profit in the first quarter of this year. It turns out Ford cars are being used as the best place to stockpile really valuable stuff like rice and water.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Sam's Club Rations Rice
Because of supply concerns, Sam's Club is now limiting rice sales at its stores to 4 bags per customer. They are making it up for it, however, by increasing the limit on sales of Cheetos to 15 tons per visit.

Student Loan Deal
In the wake of the credit crunch, the Bush administration wants Congress to back billions of dollars in new student loans. College students are in favor of the idea, but will settle for half-price pitchers and free text-messaging on nights and weekends.

Hillary's Speech
The highlight of Hillary Clinton's Pennsylvania victory speech was when she said: "I'm in this race to fight for you ... You know you can count on me to stand up strong for you every single day in the White House"... and then she stepped away from the mirror and delivered the rest of her speech.

Now, the whole thing could come down to Democratic primaries in Indiana and North Carolina... confusing millions of Americans who think Indiana and North Carolina are only important during the NCAA basketball tournament.

Obama was unable to get enough of the white and female vote to win the primary. He was also hurt by thousands of his supporters in small towns who were too bitter to go to the polls.

Delta Reports
Delta Air Lines is reporting $6.39 billion loss for the first quarter of 2008. It's not clear if Delta lost that $6.39 billion because of fuel prices, or if it literally lost $6.39 billion along with everyone's bags.

Northwest Losses
Northwest Airlines is announcing a loss of $15.78 per share in the first quarter. Now that it's merging with Delta, the two airlines can help each other hide from the repo man.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Earth Day
This is Earth Day... which means we can expect the world's newspapers and TV networks to double their green house emissions as they print out and broadcast hundreds of lame stories about Earth Day.

Primary Day
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are emphasizing their strengths in today's crucial Pennsylvania primary: Hillary is working on new speeches with fiction writers and Obama is getting his teeth cleaned.

New Ads
Hillary Clinton has put images of Osama bin Laden in her latest campaign ads in Pennsylvania. Barack Obama is getting even nastier in his campaign ads by putting in images of Hillary Clinton.

Commander Demoted
Israel has demoted a battalion commander because too many civilians died during an April 9th terrorist raid in Gaza. Meanwhile, Hamas has demoted one of its battalion commander after too few civilians died during an April 9th terrorist raid in Gaza.

Rice Warned Jimmy
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says the Bush administration explicitly warned Jimmy Carter against meeting Hamas despite Carter's assertions that he never got a clear signal from the government. Hamas is an enemy of the U.S., but there's no point in subjecting them to meeting Jimmy Carter.

Attacks on the Way?
Al Qaeda's number 2 leader, Ayman al-Zawahiri, has released a new audio tape saying several attacks on the West are still in the works. But al-Zawahiri admits there are delays mostly because of the weak dollar.

Wal-Mart #1
Wal-Mart remains the #1 company in the Fortune 500 as American consumers now see the chain as a place for bargains... and to live.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Carter's Promise
After meeting with Hamas leaders, Jimmy Carter says the terrorist group will accept a peace deal with Israel if the Palestinian people approve such a deal... which means Hamas is going to continue killing any Palestinians who would approve such a deal.

Retirement Delays
A new report says Corporate America is finding new ways to keep baby boomer employees looking to retire. So far, the most effective plan is keeping gas prices too high for workers to afford to drive home.

Feeling Gassy
The Consumer Federation of America holds news conference today to release the results of a survey of consumers' attitudes on gas prices. Instead of showing a bunch of facts and figures, they're just going to scratch their fingernails against a blackboard.

Earth Day Comics
Newspaper comics across the country plan to "go green" for Earth Day tomorrow. Of course, Blondie has been recycling jokes for 60 years.

IPO Buzz
Stock investors are hot today on an IPO for fertilizer company Intrepid Potash. The company's slogan is "Intrepid Potash: It’s the Shit!”

D.C. Twisters
A pair of tornadoes struck Washington D.C. Sunday, mangling trees, stripping siding off several homes, and actually getting members of Congress to shut up for five minutes.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Pope's Mass
Pope Benedict XVI celebrated mass at Yankee Stadium Sunday. After the game the Yankees traded him for two bishops and utility infielder.

After the Pope delivered a homily dedicated to peace and understanding, the crowd seemed to understand; responding with applause and only a few shouts of "Mets Suck!"

Giuliani Takes Communion
Former Mayor Rudolph Giuliani received Communion at yesterday's Papal mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral despite the fact that Giuliani has been divorced twice and favors abortion rights. The Church later clarified that it only bars Communion for Democrats who have been divorced twice and favor abortion right.

Black Baseball Players
A new report shows that only 8% of Major League Baseball players are African-American. Apparently steroids are hard to find in black neighborhoods.

Patrick Wins One!
Danica Patrick became the first female winner in IndyCar history today, taking the Indy Japan 300 after she was the only driver willing to ask directions.

China Protests
Chinese protesters have been targeting French-owned businessed in Beijing in response to French protesters who disrupted the Olympic Torch relay in Paris. So now the Chinese and the French are fighting each other... you gotta love it when a good plan comes together.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

Bad News for Pfizer
Pfizer announced disappointing earnings this morning and its stock price is near an 11-year low. It's not clear if things are really bad at the company or if Pfizer is just trying to get its investors more dependent on its drugs.

Pope Today
People began arriving at Washington's baseball stadium at 5 a.m. today for a 10 a.m. Mass to be celebrated by Pope Benedict XVI. That's great news for the vendors selling $6 "Pope Dogs" and "Papal Beer" for $7.50.

Pope's Theme
Pope Benedict XVI continues his visit to the United States today hoping to bring faith, good deeds, and peace between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

Alzheimer's Study
A new study shows that heavy drinkers are more likely to develop Alzheimer's disease... which explains why so many people forget to pay their bar tab.

Lethal Injections Allowed
The Supreme Court has upheld the legality of lethal injections. A majority of the justices rejected arguments that the executions cause excruciating pain to the inmates and the construction companies desperate to build more prisons in the economic slowdown.

Bumped Passengers
The government is ordering airlines to double the compensation they must pay passengers bumped from oversold flights to as much as $800. That should cover the cost of about two cups of coffee and airport parking fees.