Verhoeven Slams Jesus
Film director Paul Verhoeven has written a book suggesting that Jesus was fathered by a Roman soldier who raped Mary. Of course, Verhoeven has nothing to fear unless the book also contains cartoons of Mohammed.



Pacman Traded
The Tennessee Titans traded cornerback Pacman Jones to the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday... although it's less of a trade than it is a prisoner transfer.




Bush to Meet Abbas
President Bush meets with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas today. The two men are expected to disagree about Israeli security concerns and Palestinian terrorism, but they will agree that Jimmy Carter is an ass.




Culture Shock
The children pulled out of the polygamist compound in Texas are reportedly undergoing deep culture shock. But the only thing they do understand is why Star Jones is getting divorced.



Ford Profits!
Ford Motor Co. shocked investors by posting an actual profit in the first quarter of this year. It turns out Ford cars are being used as the best place to stockpile really valuable stuff like rice and water.