Earth Day
This is Earth Day... which means we can expect the world's newspapers and TV networks to double their green house emissions as they print out and broadcast hundreds of lame stories about Earth Day.



Primary Day
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are emphasizing their strengths in today's crucial Pennsylvania primary: Hillary is working on new speeches with fiction writers and Obama is getting his teeth cleaned.

New Ads
Hillary Clinton has put images of Osama bin Laden in her latest campaign ads in Pennsylvania. Barack Obama is getting even nastier in his campaign ads by putting in images of Hillary Clinton.



Commander Demoted
Israel has demoted a battalion commander because too many civilians died during an April 9th terrorist raid in Gaza. Meanwhile, Hamas has demoted one of its battalion commander after too few civilians died during an April 9th terrorist raid in Gaza.



Rice Warned Jimmy
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says the Bush administration explicitly warned Jimmy Carter against meeting Hamas despite Carter's assertions that he never got a clear signal from the government. Hamas is an enemy of the U.S., but there's no point in subjecting them to meeting Jimmy Carter.



Attacks on the Way?
Al Qaeda's number 2 leader, Ayman al-Zawahiri, has released a new audio tape saying several attacks on the West are still in the works. But al-Zawahiri admits there are delays mostly because of the weak dollar.



Wal-Mart #1
Wal-Mart remains the #1 company in the Fortune 500 as American consumers now see the chain as a place for bargains... and to live.