Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Anna's Case
The Supreme Court heard arguments Tuesday in Anna Nicole Smith's legal battle to inherit part of her late husband's fortune. Justice Ginsburg asked the attorneys about jurisdiction, Justice Breyer asked for previous case opinions, and Justice Thomas asked if Smith would autograph his centerfold collection.

Top 5 Signs Anna Nicole Will Win Her Case

5) Workmen just installed a stripper's pole in Clarence Thomas' office

4) She's going to lend Justice Ginsburg her boobs for the weekend

3) If she wins, she probably won't do anymore reality shows

2) Justice Scalia is taking her duck hunting next month

1) This court has always shown a bias in favor of drunken Texans

Britney in NOLA
Britney Spears was in New Orleans to celebrate Mardi Gras Tuesday. Really, haven't the people there suffered enough already?

Mardi Gras on TV
CNN spent all Tuesday covering Mardi Gras, including several live interviews with the costumed partiers. I haven't seen this many clowns speaking on camera since the presidential debates.

Olmert on Hamas
Acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert says Hamas does not threaten Israel's existence... those bombs they keep setting off are a different story.

Coast Guard Warning
The Coast Guard now says that it does not have enough intelligence to decide whether Dubai's purchase of U.S. port operations is a threat. That's funny; I thought lack of intelligence was the White House's problem.

Iraqi Violence Subsides
The U.S. ambassador to Iraq says he believes the country is calming down now thanks to a three-day curfew. It turns out none of the Iraqis want to still be under curfew this spring and miss prom night.

Saddam's Hunger Strike Ends
The chief lawyer for Saddam Hussein said Monday that the former dictator has ended his 11-day hunger strike because of health reasons. Yeah apparently not eating for 11 days makes you sick.

Biggest Heist
Police say that the total take from a robbery of a Bank of England storage facility last week was $92 million, making it the world's biggest heist. But leading members of the U.S. Congress are reacting to by calling the thieves "amateurs.

Evolution Vote
The Utah House of Representatives voted down a bill intended to challenge the theory of evolution in high school science classes. That's because they don't teach the theory of evolution in any Utah high school science classes.

Monday, February 27, 2006


The ad campaign for "THANK YOU FOR SMOKING" is now in day SEVEN! Check out the brand new joke by clicking here: NYTimes.com

Everyone please do me a BIG favor and CLICK ON THE ADS for the movie! This will make it clear that the jokes and the ads caught your eye!


Lonely Mice
A new study suggests that female mice deal with loneliness better than their male counterparts. The data shows that lonely female mice keep focusing on getting food and shelter, while lonely male mice spend all their time looking at Internet porn.

Bolton Blast
U.S. ambassador to the U.N. John Bolton says the United Nations is hobbled "by bad
management, sex and corruption." Wait, was he talking about the U.N. or Hollywood?

Martha on The Donald
Martha Stewart says Donald Trump is "juvenile, evil, unethical and immoral"... so why did they have so much trouble working together?

German Help
The good news is a new report says the German government actually helped the U.S. plan the invasion of Iraq. The bad news is the same report says the French helped us plan the occupation.

Convention Congestion
People had to be turned away from New York City's first big comic book convention in a decade, when more than 20,000 people flooded the Javits Center. 1,000 were there to see the comic books; the other 19,000 were there to beat up the nerds.

Michael Arrested
After being found by London police slumped at the wheel of a car filled with drugs, singer George Michael said the arrest was his "own stupid fault." That's also his excuse for his last 3 albums.

Top 5 Changes now that the Teachers Union is Joining the AFL-CIO

5) More union goons now have correctly-spelled tattoos

4) Friendly student body presidential candidates now getting free lunches and extra locker space

3) Your weekly school pep rallies now get about 20,000 people

2) Disruptive students now getting the "Jimmy Hoffa treatment"

1) Recess is now 2 1/2 hours a day


The ad campaign for "THANK YOU FOR SMOKING" is now in day SIX! Check out the brand new joke by clicking here: NYTimes.com

Everyone please do me a BIG favor and CLICK ON THE ADS for the movie! This will make it clear that the jokes and the ads caught your eye!


BREAKING NEWS!!! A compromise deal has just been reached in the port deal controversy. The White House will still go ahead with the plan to sell the ports to an Arab company. But if there's a terrorist attack, the Bush administration has agreed to blame it on Hillary Clinton.

Knotts Dead
People everywhere are mourning the death of Don Knotts today. Knotts served as a powerful inspiration to hundreds of actors, millions of comics, and several members of the Bush administration.

Mardi Gras Returns
As usual, Mardi Gras craziness was evident this weekend in New Orleans. But this time, most of the local women going around topless just didn't have shirts to begin with.

Top 5 Signs You're Having a Bad Mardi Gras

5) Three days to go and you already look worse than the bathrooms in the Superdome

4) The only women willing to talk to you are from the Red Cross

3) You didn't get any beads because most of the locals are using them to build new homes

2) You got a great deal on a hotel room... in the lower 9th Ward

1) In the parade, you're riding on the FEMA float

Sunday, February 26, 2006


The ad campaign for "THANK YOU FOR SMOKING" is now in day FIVE! Check out the brand new joke by clicking here: NYTimes.com

Everyone please do me a BIG favor and CLICK ON THE ADS for the movie! This will make it clear that the jokes and the ads caught your eye!


Mardi Gras Work
A lot of hard work went into getting this year's Mardi Gras on track in New Orleans. The greatest effort has been turned in by the folks at CNN, who have convinced the world that a weeklong party honoring booze, drugs and sex is now a serious news story.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Olympic Update
Here are the latest Olympic results... Bode Miller: 0-for-5 for medals, 6-for-6 for Budweiser.

Bode's Take
Despite going 0-for-5 in the Torino, Olympics, Bode Miller still says he feels like a winner. That's because he got all his drinks for free for two weeks.

Bode's Take II
Despite going 0-for-5 in the Torino, Olympics, Bode Miller still says he feels like a winner. That's because he didn't have to do the biatholon with Dick Cheney.

Lobbying Reform
Members of Congress say enacting lobbying reforms will "take time"... about as much time as it usually does for junkies to reform their pushers.

Bush on Port Security
President Bush says there's no need to worry about the plan to sell control of U.S. ports to an Arab company. He even promises that if there is any terrorist attack, he'll give half their money back.

Democrats on Port Security
Democrats say they're "very concerned" about the plan to sell control of U.S. ports to an Arab company and how it will affect security. They're so concerned that now they're even pretending to care about security.


The ad campaign for "THANK YOU FOR SMOKING" is now in day FOUR! Check out the brand new joke by clicking here: NYTimes.com

Everyone please do me a BIG favor and CLICK ON THE ADS for the movie! This will make it clear that the jokes and the ads caught your eye!


Friday, February 24, 2006

NEWSPAPER ALERT!!! Gossip mayven Cindy Adams quoted my Jewish Week column in her syndicated column this week... but didn't use my name! Oh well, I was almost famous there for a second. Here's the link to the column. The material she quoted is near the end, it's about "pick-up lines." Cindy Adams

Cohen Comes in 2nd
American figure skater Sasha Cohen won the silver medal Thursday night after falling twice and finishing behind Japan's Shizuka Arakawa. Not only has Cohen lost again, but now she knows what it's like to work at GM.

Port Delay
The White House is now pushing for a brief delay in the planned deal to sell control of several U.S. ports to the United Arab Emirates. It's a brilliant move, after a few more months, the heat will be off while the news media focuses on bigger stories like Brad and Angelina's baby.

Post-Katrina Strategy
In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, the Bush administration now wants the Pentagon to play a bigger role in domestic disaster preparedness. That's because they're doing such a great job of disaster management in Iraq.

Frey Booted
Author James Frey, who admitted he made up parts of his best-selling memoir has been dropped by his publisher. But he does have a new job as President Bush's chief speechwriter.

Iraq Violence
Sunnis and Shiites continue to kill each other in Iraq. Faced with religious factionalism, the Bush administration is trying to bring both sides together in a common cause against gay marriage and evolution classes.

Iraq Violence II
Shiite leaders are now urging restraint as Iraq moves closer to civil war. The sheiks are calling on their followers to do something more productive, like set fire to Danish flags.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

WEB ALERT!!! My "Lousy Iranian High School Student Blames Israel for Bad Grades" story is featured in today's Enduring Vision with a great little illustration! You can see it here: EnduringVision

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

You can get Jake's Comedy Corner sent to your email! To get Jake's jokes emailed to you directly Monday-Friday, just send a blank email to jakesjokes@gmail.com

California Execution Delay
Doctors in California say they won't participate in the execution of Michael Morales because of ethical reasons. The real reason is they don't accept his insurance.

NYC Anthrax Scare
It turns out a New York man who contracted anthrax was not the victim of terrorism, but simply caught the disease because he was handling raw animal hides... You know, I knew the upholstery in that cab I took last night felt a little weird!

NYC Anthrax Scare II
It turns out a Brooklyn man who contracted anthrax was not the victim of terrorism, but simply caught the disease because he was handling raw animal hides. Well, that's the last time I buy goat hides in Brooklyn!

NYC Anthrax Scare III
Mayor Bloomberg is doing his best to reassure New Yorkers frightened by the anthrax case. He's reminding people that if they avoid handling raw animal hides, and refrain from buying street vendor shish kabob, they have nothing to worry about.

Fighting Anti-Semitism
French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin has vowed that the French government will fight anti-Semitism. And the first thing the government is going to do to fix the problem is expel all the Jews.

Iraqi Mosque Bombed
Thousands of Iraqis took to the streets Wednesday to protest the bombing of a sacred Shiite Mosque. But the good news is now Iraqi TV has some good subject matter for next week's episode of "Extreme Makeover: Mosque Edition."

Iraqi Mosque Bombed II
Thousands of Iraqis took to the streets Wednesday to protest the bombing of a sacred Shiite Mosque. Not only was the Mosque an historic landmark, it was the last building in Iraq with an affordable homeowner's insurance policy.

South Dakota Bill
The South Dakota State Senate has approved a bill overturning Roe v. Wade. The bill is expected to pass the House as soon as someone can come up with a good reason for children to live in South Dakota.

Top 5 Iranian University Football Cheers

5) "Sis, boom, Allah!"

4) "Rah Rah Ree... bomb 'em in the knee!"

3) "We want a hostage!"

2)"Let's go Shi-ites!"

1)"Block that... UN Weapons Inspector!"

Lousy Iranian High School Student Blames Israel for Bad Grades

By Jake Novak

(Tehran) Ravi Parshavan, a perennial “C” student at Tehran’s “Ayatollah Khatami High School, has suddenly risen to the top of his class by systematically blaming Israel, the Jews, and the United States for all his sub-par marks.

“I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner,” said a smug Parshavan after evening prayers, “I mean all day, all we hear about is how the Jews are responsible for all our problems. Our teachers say this, our newspapers say this, and our president doesn’t really say anything else. I finally realized that my bad grades are my problem, so why not blame the Jews for that? Wouldn’t you know it? A week after I start the whole, ‘it’s the Jews’ fault’ excuse, I’m getting straight A’s!”

“We are very proud of Ravi,” said his 10th grade math instructor Mahmoud Ramishaveri, “he successfully explained to the whole class that the Jews’ control of the international interest rate system is the reason why he can’t do simple percentage equations. Frankly, I always thought it was because he was a lazy dimwit, but then the nice armed gentlemen from the government showed me how smart Ravi really is.”

Ravi’s parents are showing the same kind of bewildered pride in his sudden success.

“Sure, I was a little upset when he stopped making his bed and doing the rest of his chores. But then I realized he was just trying to lay low so the Jews wouldn’t find him and use his blood for their Passover rituals,” said his mother Reza with the approval of several government soldiers in her living room. They proceeded to beat her anyway after the interview for speaking in public.

But the Jews aren’t the only successful targets of Parshavan’s blame game. His failing marks in gym and terrible performances in soccer matches have been explained away as the result of America’s greedy domination of key resources like healthy food, athletic shoes, and air to inflate soccer balls.

“I would be a regular David Beckham, that an infidel pig of the West, if the Americans weren’t keeping me from getting the athletic gear I need. Curse them all!” Parshavan explained.

Parshavan is now guaranteed of graduating as his class valedictorian, and his new-found wisdom may also gain him admission to the world’s leading universities.

“I very much look forward to having young Ravi join our Middle Eastern Studies program,” said Professor Joseph Massad of Columbia University. “Not only has he correctly identified the sources of all his problems at an unusually young age, but he should be able to help me shout down the pro-Israel students in my class when I get a little hoarse.”

Parshavan isn’t sure if he will attend university in America, however.

“It could be fun to go to New York, but I do have an awesome rock-throwing team scholarship to Beir Zeit University in Palestine. So I do have to weigh all my offers,” he explained.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Hamas Chief in Iran
Hamas leader Khaled Meshal is in Tehran this week calling on Iran to take a bigger role in Palestinian affairs. The first thing he's asking the Iranians to do is give Palestinians a warning when they try to nuke Tel Aviv.

Bush on Ports
Despite growing Republican opposition, President Bush says he'll veto any bill that blocks an Arab company from taking over several ports in the eastern U.S. The White House says it's not that the Republican lawmakers don't have a point, it's just that they all promised not to think for themselves until President Bush leaves office.

Summers Quits
Embattled Harvard University president Larry Summers has announced he will step down in May. Summers was forced out for being the one university president in America who wanted to do something other than just fundraising.

Summers Quits II
Embattled Harvard University president Larry Summers has announced he will step down in May. Summers will now look for a job where at least some of his co-workers aren't pompous asses.

Top 5 Real Reasons Larry Summers Quit as Harvard President

5) Couldn't stop laughing every time some idiot parents forked over $40k in tuition

4) Tired of being the butt of all those MIT pranks

3) All the hot chicks are at USC

2) Just once he'd like to see a real college basketball team play!

1) Wants to get out of Harvard before the Bush administration has it bombed

Cruise to Sue?
Tom Cruise says he may sue tabloids that are reporting that he and Katie Holmes are breaking up. Holmes would probably say the same thing... if she were allowed to speak.

$365 Million Wish List
A majority of Americans say that if they won the $365 million lottery, the first thing they would do is pay for their kids' college educations. I hate to break it to them, but $365 million may not cover it.

Toilet Paper Death
A Florida man has been arrested for allegedly beating his roommate to death because there was no toilet paper in their home. This case just astounds me, I mean you'd think the victim could have gotten away from a guy with his pants still down around his ankles.

Talent Shortage?
A new poll shows that businesses in New York are having trouble finding decent workers. But that poll is misleading because the only employers surveyed were the guys who own the Knicks and the Jets.

Monday, February 20, 2006

PlayStation Delay?
Sony executives are worried the company could take a huge financial hit if it isn't able to get its next-generation PlayStation 3 video game console in stores this spring as promised. They really shouldn't sweat it; it's not like the people who buy these things have anything else better to do.

Williams Suspension?
Dolphins running back Ricky Williams could get a one-year suspension for violating the NFL's drug abuse policy for the fourth time. But experts say he'll probably get off easy since there's no way Williams is more stoned than the NFL officials who let him back in the league in the first place.

Godfather Actor Killed
Actor Richard Bright, who played the tough guy mobster Al Neri in the "Godfather" films, was struck and killed by a commuter bus in Manhattan this weekend. Bright's family isn't pressing charges, but that bus driver did wake up with a horse head in his bed this morning.

Top 5 Reasons We Should Respect Kevin Federline

5) Recently learned how to spell "cat"

4) At least he turned down that offer to go hunting with Dick Cheney last year

3) He thinks he's a good rapper; so he must be smoking some really good stuff

2) Sure he's just a backup dancer, but when was the last time you knew a backup dancer's name?

1) Keeps finding women just dumb enough to fall for his b.s.

Iran Calls for Calm
Iran's foreign minister is urging Muslim countries to end the violent protests against the cartoons of the prophet Muhammad. He wants the people of Islam to focus on something more productive, like getting nuclear weapons.

Bush on Alternative Fuels
President Bush is traveling the country touting the encouraging breakthroughs in alternative fuels. Mr. Bush is actually the most excited person in the world about the new technologies, because if we can get off of oil he might be able to avoid holding another Saudi prince's hands on international TV.

President's Day
This is Presidents Day. It's the national holiday when we remember that it's been more than 200 years since we had a president who didn't always lie.

Israel Holds Funds
To protest the Hamas election victory, Israel has decided to withhold about $50 million in tax money from the Palestinians. Well, there goes all the funding for the kindergarten Headstart suicide bombing program they wanted.

Top 5 Things Hamas Would Have Done with that $50 Million

5) Buy $50 million worth of Danish flags to burn

4) Make an offer on any of Iran's leftover plutonium

3) Train the first Palestinian suicide bobsled team in time for the next Winter Olympics

2) Hire Jack Abramoff as their Washington lobbyist

1) What are you kidding? Invest in oil!

NBA All-Star Game
The NBA All-Star Game was played Sunday night. Usually to see that many felons running around you have to watch C-Span.

Bonds Final Year
Barry Bonds says the 2006 season will be his last... not because of injuries or fatigue; it's just that this October is the expiration date on all his bottles of steroids.

Powerball Winner
The lone winning ticket in the $365 million Powerball lottery was sold in Nebraska. It'll be several days before anyone steps forward to claim the prize, because it takes a while to get to the state lottery offices when you're driving a tractor.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Pataki Surgery
Doctors performed surgery on New York Governor George Pataki this week to remove his appendix. While they had him on the table; I sure hope they also removed the stick up his ass.

Stones Rock Rio
About two million people came to see the free Rolling Stones comcert in Rio de Janeiro Saturday night. That means only about half the crowd was made up of Mick Jagger's illegitimate children.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Bush on Cheney
President Bush says he's "very satisfied" with the way Vice President Cheney has handled the aftermath of the hunting shooting incident... mostly because somebody else is looking like an idiot for once.

Bond Bad Guy
A Danish actor has been cast as the villain in the new James Bond film. The film's producers are hoping this will help boost box office numbers in Arab countries.

Marijuana Seizure
Federal agents found about $5 million worth of marijuana in an abandoned truck near the Mexican border Tuesday. Investigators believe the smugglers ditched the truck after it got stuck in some mud and they couldn't figure out how to get it out. You see, this is why you should never hire people who smoke marijuana to smuggle marijuana.

Top 5 Reasons "Bohem" the Show Dog Ran Away from JFK Airport

5) The security pat-down was humiliating

4) Even she eats better food that what they give you on the airlines

3) As a "missing dog," she knew she'd get a lot of coverage on Nancy Grace

2) While she was there, she just wanted to see if she could drum up any drug smuggling business

1) She's was scheduled to fly on United

Singer Pinched
The bad news is country singer John Michael Montgomery was arrested in Kentucky Thursday on drug and gun charges. The good news is he's finally got something to write a good country song about.

UN on Gitmo
The United Nations is calling on the U.S. to shut down the Guantánamo Bay camp. Of course, if the U.S. wants to make sure the detainees remain completely harmless, they could just get them all jobs with the United Nations.

France's Take
The French government now publicly says it believes Iran is really starting a nuclear weapons program. But you know, nothing makes the guys in the White House more uneasy than when the French agree with them.

Paid Excuse
A middle school gym teacher in Florida is accused of letting children sit out his class if they paid him $1 a day. Parents are shocked by the scandal because when they were kids, they would have been willing to pay a lot more!

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Cheney Interview
Dick Cheney finally spoke out about the shooting incident in an interview on FOX News Channel Wednesday. This was seen by the Vice President's office as a good training exercise in case he ever plans to face the real news media.

Cheney Interview II
In an interview on FOX News Channel Wednesday, Vice President Cheney said he thought it was "the right call" to step aside and allow one of the ranch owners to tell the public what happened in the hunting accident. That makes sense mostly because he was still drunk.

Cheney Interview III
During the interview Cheney said that, "ultimately, I'm the guy who pulled the trigger that fired the round that hit Harry. And I take full responsibility. Some may say that Harry got in my way, didn't follow protocol, totally was at fault... but it would be wrong to even mention that possibility for a second!"

Top 5 Weird Questions Brit Hume Asked Dick Cheney

5) "Mr. Vice President, some terrible, mean people say you're a cold-blooded murderer. Are those people right?"

4) "Nobody's gonna mess with you now, are they?"

3) "Do you know where to buy heart medication wholesale? I have an uncle who's looking."

2) "Next time you go hunting, can't you go with Ted Kennedy or somebody like that?"

1) "Is it just me, or is this whole story making you so sexy right now?"

"New" Abuse Photos
The American and European news media is widely publishing "new" pictures of abu Ghraib torture incidents from 2003. It's a good thing those pictures didn't include any cartoon images of Muhammad... because then it would be very wrong to publish them.

U.S. Medallist
Toby Dawson, who took the bronze medal in the men's moguls competition Wednesday, is hoping his win will help him find his birth parents. Nice idea, but he should probably try appearing in an event people are actually watching.

Jacko Decision
A California appeals court reinstated an order granting Michael Jackson sole custody of his two children Wednesday. Every child in the state is reacting to that decision by arranging to defect to Mexico.

Jacko Decision II
A California appeals court reinstated an order granting Michael Jackson sole custody of his two children Wednesday. It's not clear if the court made that decision solely on legal grounds, or if the judges were trying to discourage children in California from ever going outdoors again.

Gore's Gaffe
Al Gore is getting slammed for going to Saudi Arabia and saying that the U.S. has committed "some abuses" against Arabs. Conservatives rightly point out that Gore should have instead stood up to the Saudis by buying all their oil and walking hand-in-hand with their crown prince.

Scalia's "Idiots"
Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said in a speech this week that people who think the Constitution is a living document are idiots. This coming from someone who was smart enough to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Miller DQ'd
Heavy drinking U.S. Olympic skier Bode Miller was disqualified from the slalom event in Torino Tuesday. You'd think the slalom would be Miller's best event... that's the one where you don't even have to go in a straight line!

Hospital Reopens
Tulane University hospital reopened Tuesday for the first time since New Orleans was hit by Hurricane Katrina. So far, the only patients the hospital has seen are a bunch of FEMA bureaucrats being treated for impotency.

Charitable Kid
A 12-year-old Arkansas boy is getting a free trip to New York from George Steinbrenner after the young man passed up his dream of seeing a Yankee game and donated his $1,000 life savings to his school instead. It's a good thing he did that, because $1,000 isn't enough for a decent seat at Yankee Stadium anyway.

Baby Math
A new study shows that babies as young as seven months old have some math skills... mostly the skill of subtracting from their parents' savings accounts.

Haitian Vote Fraud
The frontrunner in the Haitian presidential elections is alleging massive vote fraud. Did I mention that this is coming from the guy who's winning? I guess you can't blame him... who the Hell would want to be the president of Haiti?

Anti-Hamas Plot
A new report says the U.S. and Israel are secretly plotting to remove Hamas from power in the Palestinian territories. Hamas leaders are so angry they plan to protest by not blowing themselves up for a whole week!

Saddam's on Strike
Saddam Hussein now says he's been on a hunger strike for the last three days to protest his trial. Most Iraqi citizens are responding by saying, "Only three days without food? Sounds pretty good!"

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


by Jake Novak

EXTERIOR the Woods. Vice President Cheney has just shot a fellow hunter.

CHENEY: Oy! I'm sorry I didn't see you there!

WHITTINGTON: So now he's sorry? For 20 years I'm trying to get a private meeting with this big shot and he only notices me after I get sprayed with birdshot? Listen, don't do me any favors. Just make sure your secret service golems don't try to finish me off before the ambulance gets here to take me to the goyishe hospital without the Jewish doctors.

EXT. The woods a few minutes later. Ambulance workers are fitting Whittington onto a stretcher.

CHENEY: Are you comfortable?

WHITTINGTON: Who me? I've got bird pellets over half my face and this guy wants to know if I'm comfortable. If I wanted this kind of a question, I would have voted for that idiot Quayle. At least he has decent eyesight.

CHENEY: That's not what I meant.

WHITTINGTON: You're right. When you said: "are you comfortable?" I should have said "Nu, I make a living." Listen, Mister... I just donated $200 thousand to the Republican Party. For that kind of money I expect a little better treatment. I'm thinking maybe Kerry's not so bad. At least he would have given me one of his purple hearts for this. Thrown them at me is more like it, but you get the idea. Listen, do me a favor and take Scalia with you next time.

INT. a hospital room a few hours later.

CHENEY: The President sends his best wishes.

WHITTINGTON: That's nice. Listen, I hope I didn't bother him. God forbid. Kayin hara I'm not from New Orleans.

CHENEY: Here come the police to ask you a few questions. You know what to say, right?

WHITTINGTON: He asks me, "do I know what to say?" He shoots me in the head and now HE'S the expert on what to do?

A large Texas county sheriff wearing a 10-gallon hat enters the room... turns out he is Jewish too.

SHERIFF: Nu! Yiddin! Who's niftir?

CHENEY: Ay! Don't say that! What you want me to be the next Spiro Agnew? I got three more years in office, pu pu pu.

WHITTINGTON: Excuse me, can I say something?

SHERIFF: You want to make a statement sir?

WHITTINGTON: Yeah. Halevay this should happen to bin Laden. Yimach schmoe.

SHERIFF: There are some members of the press outside. Should I let them in?

WHITTINGTON: Sure, sure. Who's ashamed? I look like a six-day old tzimmes, but what's the problem? But whatever you do, don't let the New York Times reporter in. Cartoons of Muhammad they won't print, but me looking like a piece of raw flanken will be on the front page!

Int. Hospital room. The next morning. A nice looking blonde doctor with a thick Texas accent is examining Whittington.

DOCTOR: It looks like y'all gonna be fine. You took a tarring from that Winchester, but I reckon you got a few good years left.

WHITTINGTON: I get shot and suddenly I get good years? Listen, I was happy when I was miserable.

The Doctor leaves the room.

CHENEY: He seems like a nice fellow.

WHITTINGTON: If it's all the same to you, I'd like a second opinion from another doctor.

CHENEY: You mean one who has more experience?

WHITTINGTON: I mean one who has a bris. Mamish, I couldn't understand a word that shaygitz said.

CHENEY: To tell you truth, me either. It's like this every time I try to talk to the President. Nebuch, you'd think the Commander-in-Chief could get a decent speech coach. It's a shanda.

WHITTINGTON: Speaking of shanda. What's with that daughter of yours. She's still not dating a nice bocher?

CHENEY: Actually, she just went out on a date with your daughter.
Whittington's monitor starts flat-lining, alarms ring out

NURSE: Code blue, code blue!


Cheney Spin Control
The White House is being accused of delaying its decision to report Vice President Cheney's shooting accident in order to control the spin on the story. Apparently they were trying to wait long enough so that they could claim he shot Osama bin Laden.

Cheney Spin Control II
The White House is being accused of delaying its decision to report Vice President Cheney's shooting accident. But the only reason they didn't report it to the news media quicker is because they wanted the first person to hear about it to be Patrick Fitzgerald.

Top 5 Real Reasons Not to Hunt With Dick Cheney

5) 17 heart pills a day makes him pretty loopy

4) You have the same haircut as his daughter's latest girlfriend

3) Even if you hit some game, you end up having to give half of it to Halliburton

2) After a while, everyone starts to look like a special prosecutor to him

1) If you're thinner than Justice Scalia, he probably can't see you

Saddam Trial Protests
As the Saddam Hussein trial resumed in Baghdad Monday, one of his co-defendants had to be dragged into court in his pajamas. Where did he think he was, the Michael Jackson trial?

Egyptian Election Delay
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has delayed his nation's long-awaited free local elections for another two years. Angry Arab mobs are reacting to the news by torching the Danish embassy.

Defrauding FEMA
A scathing new report on FEMA's mismanagement of the Katrina disaster shows that up 900,000 of the 2.5 million people who received aid may have been fraudulently posing as hurricane victims. But since the head of FEMA was fraudulently posing as someone who knew what he was doing, it's really hard to point fingers.

Gay Marriage Vote
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist says he plans to hold a vote on a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage later this year. Now that the Republicans have already screwed up all the important issues, it's time they start focusing on the stuff that doesn't matter at all.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Major Storm
A record-breaking snowstorm in New York has paralyzed the area and shutdown all region's airports. There haven't been this many helpless idiots stuck in the city since the Republican National Convention.

Mixed News
The good news is the U.S. government has promised not to send me to Iraq. The bad news is instead I have to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Cheney Shoots Hunter
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter during an outing in Texas this weekend. Democrats now think he should go hunting with Justice Antonin Scalia more often.

Top 5 Real Reasons Michelle Kwan Quit the Olympics

5) She needs to start training for her upcoming "steel cage" wrestling match with Tonya Harding

4) Didn't want to bother when she saw that the judges were the same idiots who refereed the Super Bowl last week

3) Suddenly realized that the only perk for gold medal winners is appearing on a lousy Wheaties box

2) She was running dangerously low on sequins

1) Frankly, more people are watching the Ice Capades

Sunday, February 12, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Fosset's Record
Millionaire Steve Fosset has set a new world's record by flying non-stop for 3 1/2 days... well he used to be a millionaire, now he has to pay for the gas.

Fosset's Record II
The good news is millionaire Steve Fosset has set a new world's record by flying non-stop for 3 1/2 days. The bad news is he'll have to wait another 5 days to get all of his luggage.

Fosset's Record III
Millionaire Steve Fosset says he was lucky to set the 3 1/2-day non-stop flying record because of some technical problems that plagued him throughout, including generator failue, fuel loss, and the plane's lavatory was out of order the whole time.

Fosset's Record
By flying non stop without any break or convenience for 3 1/2 days, Steve Fosset has just become the first real millionaire to experience what it's like to fly on United.

Olympics Begin
The Winter Olympics have begun in Torino, Italy. For the 2,500 athletes participating and the 12 people watching on TV around the world, this must be a very exciting time.

Danes out of Indonesia
In response to the continuing cartoon controversy, Denmark is urging all of its citizens to leave Indonesia for their own safety. The Danes' would like to leave, but they're making a killing selling Danish flags to all the protesters!

Pilot Arrested
An American Airlines pilot has been arrested in Britain on suspicion of being drunk on duty. The only people who are allowed to show up for work drunk and completely incapacitated are American Airlines executives.

Pilot Arrested II
An American Airlines pilot has been arrested in Britain on suspicion of being drunk on duty. Of course, American Airlines employees aren't supposed to come to work drunk... but it sure helps!

Friday, February 10, 2006

Foiled Al Qaeda Plot
President Bush said Thursday that American anti-terrorist efforts helped thwart an al Qaeda plan to blow up the "Liberty Tower" in Los Angeles. It's an amazing story, one which would have been even more amazing if there were such a building called the "Liberty Tower" in Los Angeles.

Bush Conspiracy?
Skeptics say President Bush only revealed details of the thwarted terrorist attack on Los Angeles to gain support for his controversial wiretapping program. That could be true if there were any people in America who gave a damn about what happens to Los Angeles.

Britney's Admission
Britney Spears is publicly admitting she made a mistake after being caught driving with her 4-month old son in her lap. It's great that she can admit a mistake, but shouldn't we all be concerned that a 24-year-old pop singer is showing more integrity and humility than our President?

Carroll Video
In a new video broadcast on Kuwaiti TV, abducted American journalist Jill Carroll assures everyone she is fine. But time is running out because her captors are sure to find out she's also an amateur cartoonist.

Oprah's Deal
Oprah Winfrey has signed a three-year, $55 million deal with XM Satellite Radio. The deal is great news for all satellite radio listeners; Oprah fans will get to hear her on XM, and Howard Stern fans will get to hear him make fun of Oprah more often on Sirius.

Doctor Retiring
Beloved New York City physician, Dr. Charles P. Vialotti is finally retiring seven decades after treating his first patient... it's taken him this long to finish the health insurance paperwork on that guy.

1st Grade Skirt-Chaser
A six-year-old Massachusetts boy has been suspended from school after being charged with sexually harassing a girl classmate. Experts say most six-year-olds can't even understand the idea of sexual harassment, but this kid may be an exception because he's the 1st grade class representative to the student government.

Yahoo Dragnet
Yahoo is denying it helped the Chinese government find and jail a dissident who criticized the Communist Party online. Yahoo says that was the work of Yahoo China, which it has no direct connection to. In other news, Yahoo reported huge fourth quarter profits thanks to stellar results at Yahoo China.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Top 5 Other Newspaper Comics that Make Muslims Angry

5) American soldier Beetle Bailey never loafs near an I.E.D.

4) Dennis the Menace allowed to disrespect his elders without being caned

3) Lucy always steals football out from under Charlie Brown; never gets her hand sawed off

2) Mrs. Lockhorn repeatedly talks back to her husband; is never put to death in an "honor killing"

1) Doonesbury hasn't been funny since 1978

Clarkson a Winner
The biggest winner at the Grammys last night was Kelly Clarkson. That's because she was given the first award, and thus didn't have to sit through the rest of the Grammys.

Church Burnings
5 churches in rural Alabama have been burned down in the last several days. Apparently the only thing they each had in common was they all scheduled services during the Super Bowl.

Church Burnings II
The FBI says solving the church burnings are its "top Priority." That's because if any more churches burn down, the Republicans might actually have to do their own campaigning.

Mrs. Gretzky's Gambling
Wayne Gretzky's wife has been implicated in a huge NHL betting ring. The news is absolutely shocking; we've finally found a woman who bets on sports!

Haitian Elections
Turnout was huge in today's national elections in Haiti, but that was because most Haitians thought the people lining up outside the polling places were waiting for a boat to get out of Haiti.

Haitian Elections II
Haiti has not had a president or a parliament since 2004... why would they want to change that?

Inmate Dies
A former death row inmate who was deemed too overweight to execute, died in prison today at age 51. Two appeals courts repealed orders to hang Mitchell Rupe because that would be cruel and unusual punishment... for the rope.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Top 5 Stupid Things President Bush Said at Coretta Scott King's Funeral

5) "I never marched in a civil rights rally, but thankfully I was always too drunk to participate in any lynchings."

4) "Thanks to Coretta and her husband, you now all have the right to vote... except in Florida and Ohio."

3) "No wonder Martin Luther King started the Protestant Reformation; he wanted to be a preacher and still marry this fine woman!"

2) "I wanted to talk about all I did for civil rights, but Oprah brought some of her new book fact-checking people here."

1) "Well that's one less person who's gonna protest my cuts to Medicare."

London Cleric Jailed
Abu Hamza al-Masri was sentenced to seven years in prison for using his sermons to incite murder and race hatred. After he gets out of jail, he's taking a job as a cartoonist at a Danish newspaper.

Divorce Stats
They say that most divorced couples break up for financial reasons. That's what happened to me; my ex-wife was screwing our accountant.

Holocaust Cartoon Contest
An Iranian newspaper is going to hold an open competition for people to submit cartoons belittling the Holocaust. The contest is outraging the paper's regular staff artists, who draw cartoons belittling the Holocaust every day.

GM Bonus Cuts
In a move to revitalize the company, General Motors has announced it will cut executive bonuses. In order to make up for their lost income, most GM execs plan to moonlight for Toyota.

GM Bonus Cuts II
In a move to revitalize the company, General Motors has announced it will cut executive bonuses. This is shocking news for experts who can't believe anyone at GM is still getting a bonus.

Low Fat Diet Report
A shocking new report shows that women who switched to a low-fat diet did not see a reduced risk of breast cancer, colorectal cancer or heart disease. But they did see a reduced risk of their husbands continuing to call them "fat ass."

Monday, February 06, 2006

Cartoon Protests
Angry Muslims worldwide continue to protest cartoons in a Danish newspaper that offended them by torching European embassies. Of course the best way to protest cartoons that offend you is to drop an anvil on the head of the cartoonist.

Top 5 Surprises in President Bush's $2.7 Trillion Budget

5) Only $1 trillion will be used to hire defense lawyers for indicted members of the Bush administration

4) Cuts Medicare, Medicaid, and the senior citizens discount at Denny's

3) $500 billion going to pay for wiretapping cell phones that had gone over their monthly air time minutes

2) Only 10% of it goes to pay for gas for Air Force One

1) The biggest cost: Paying the workers at the U.S. mint to print 2.7 trillion singles

Lance and Sheryl Break Up
Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow are breaking up. The relationship ended because Sheryl wanted to get married but Lance didn't have the balls.

Lance and Sheryl Break Up II
Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow are breaking up. They couldn't get married because Lance failed the blood test.

Gonzales Under Fire
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was attacked by several U.S. Senators today over the warrantless phone tapping at the NSA. But Gonzales' was defended by a few Senators who thanked him for fighting terrorists, securing America, and not tapping their mistresses' phones.

Hollywood P.I. Charged
Hollywood private investigator Anthony Pellicano has been indicted for tapping phones to find embarrassing information about Sylvester Stallone. Wait a minute, who the Hell needs a private investigator to find embarrassing information about Sylvester Stallone?

King Service
At Monday's memorial service for Coretta Scott King, only one of her children gave a eulogy. More of them wanted to speak, but they weren't allowed to take any time away from Oprah.

Steelers Win
The Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Seattle Seahawks 21-10 to win Super Bowl XL. The most shocking moment came after the game when Super Bowl MVP Hines Ward was asked what he was going to do next and he said: "I'm going to see 'Brokeback Mountain!"

Steelers Win II
The Pittsburgh Steelers have won the Super Bowl, ending the season. So for the next 7 1/2 months, the only 300-pound men you'll see happily working just to move a few yards at a time will be New York City Subway workers.

Embassy Torched
Muslim rioters violently attacked and torched the Danish embassy in Beirut Sunday. The attacks were seen as the best way to protest editorial cartoons in a Danish newspaper depicting Muslims as violent.

LA County Jail Riots
One inmate is dead after massive rioting broke out at a maximum-security Los Angeles County jail Sunday. The inmates began the riot in response to an editorial cartoon depicting them as non-violent.

Phone Tapping Denial
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales will go before a Senate committee Monday to deny the NSA is tapping hundreds of thousands of phone calls to battle terrorism. Gonzales will say that only about 5,000 calls are being monitored for terrorism; all the others are just to help the Bush administration find out who's gay.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

SUNDAY RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Friedan Dies
The mother of the feminist movement, Betty Friedan died today at age 85. Her funeral will not be scheduled until her followers can find a team of women gravediggers.

Grandpa Munster Dies
Al Lewis, who played the vampire "Grandpa" on "The Munsters" died today at age 83. Luckily, he already had his own coffin

Thursday, February 02, 2006

House Voting Snafu
During Thursday's voting for the new House Majority Leader, a second vote had to be taken when it was discovered there were more ballots cast than Republican members. That was because the lobbyists naturally thought they could vote too.

Top 5 Goals for New House Majority Leader John Boehner

5) Avoid being called as a witness at the trials of Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff and Scooter Libby

4) Make sure fellow GOP Congressmen can start to use the toilet even without getting lobbyists' permission

3) Get Congress to focus on important issues, like gay marriage, evolution classes and saying "God" in the pledge of allegiance

2) Replace illegal cash donations with debit card payments

1) Break into House Speaker Hastert's secret Twinkie stash

Angry About a Cartoon
Palestinian gunmen in Gaza City are threatening to take European hostages in reaction to editorial cartoons in a Danish newspaper depicting the prophet Mohammad. That makes sense because if there's one thing that's been causing Palestinian suffering all these years, it's insulting editorial cartoons.

Bolton Stood Up
U.N. Ambassador John Bolton opened his first meeting as head of the Security Council at 10 a.m. sharp Thursday -- but found that no other diplomats showed up. Bolton was a bit flustered, but he was fine after he threw insults and staplers at each of the empty chairs.

Lobbying Restrictions
The House of Representatives voted Wednesday to ban lobbying on the House floor... maybe now they'll learn that Congressmen like to be lobbied in a nice hotel suite.

Phil Sees His Shadow
The famous groundhog Punxsutawny Phil saw his shadow Thursday morning... that means six more weeks of outbursts at the Saddam Hussein trial.

Iran Plea
The U.N. is urging Iran to freeze all nuclear production for at least 10 years. That shouldn't be so hard, the rest of the country looks like it's frozen in 1979.

Harry's Mission
Britain's Prince Harry will go to Iraq next year as a troop commander and could see action along the hazardous border with Iran. But it won't be so dangerous for him over there if he wears his Nazi uniform.

Sandra's New Job
Sandra Day O'Connor has started her new job teaching law at the University of Arizona. And just like her days on the Supreme Court, she was surrounded by people on too much medication to really pay attention to what she's saying.

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and Newsday.com. Here's the link: Newsday

And now for something completely different...

Terror Bowl MMVI

By Jake Novak

ANNOUNCER: As we wait for the Super Bowl, we're going to watch a great "battle to the finish" under card as Fatah and Hamas square off in the Middle East. Let's go to Al Michaels and John Madden who have the call on the streets of Gaza:

AL: Thanks. You know a few years ago, nobody would have believed that Hamas could unseat the mighty Fatah party in an election. And now angry Fatah supporters are looking to take their frustrations out on anybody, and anything that they can find here on the street. And John, this is kind of like what happened on the streets of France this fall… except there aren’t that many cars on the streets of Gaza to set fire to in the first place.

JOHN: You're right Al. Usually, a car in the Palestinian territories is used for a bombing before the 1,500 mile check up. But you got give Hamas a lot of credit. These guys were nothing. And then, BOOM! They started blowing themselves up all over the place. I mean they really left it all on the field year after year. And the recruiting program is great too. I mean, who else could get a bunch of kids to agree to blow themselves up and then be forgotten forever just a few days later? I mean we Americans remember Miller Light commercials a lot longer than whatever the Hell these guys are fighting for.

AL: That's a good point John, a very good point. But I can see the U.N. officials are ready to toss the coin to get this Hamas vs. Fatah “battle to the death” game started. And it looks like the importance of this contest is being lost on no one, because none other than Kofi Anan himself is going to toss the coin!

JOHN: Wow! Boom! That's a surprise.

AL: And speaking of surprises, Anan is actually walking away with the coin John! He’s just stealing it right before our eyes!

JOHN: Whoa! That’s something. But you know, ever since they busted up that “oil for food” ring Anan’s been hard up for cash to give his son. They better watch him around everything that isn’t nailed down.

AL: Well, he did flip the coin before running off with it and Hamas won the toss and they have decided to receive. John, what do you think? Is receiving a good move here, or should Hamas have decided to kick first?

JOHN: No, Al I think they made the right choice. Remember Fatah is anchored by 350-pound offensive juggernaut Suha Arafat. And you don’t want her doling out the kind of punishment she can deliver right off the bat. It’s best to keep Fatah on defense as much as possible. And that would be good news for the fans watching on TV too, Al. Because Suha is not only nauseating to look at, but also she’s likely to charge into the stands and rip some falafel right out of the hands of some of the ticket-holding spectators.

AL: That reminds me John. What kind of protection do the fans have watching such carnage at close range?

JOHN: Not much. Not much, Al. I was pretty worried myself, considering I’m such a huge target. But I figured I’d use your latest wig as a shield. From the looks of it, I think it’s probably bulletproof.

AL: Right you are John. Okay, the Hamas players are lining up on the field in their green and white uniforms. Hey, they kind of look like the New York Jets!

JOHN: Well, no surprise there. They way the Jets have been disappointing the large number of Jewish fans in New York all these years, Hamas wanted to identify with that team as much as possible.

AL: Okay, Fatah is ready to kick off. Looks like Palestinian spokesman Saeb Erakhat, who doubles as the Fatah place kicker and punter, is set to let it fly. And there it goes. It’s a high spiraling kick that the Hamas returners just let fall to the turf. And it’s a good move too, because the ball has just exploded!

JOHN: Those are the kind of instincts that have helped Hamas reach the top of the league, Al. But what a difference between these two teams. That Fatah football was just a concussion bomb. Had Hamas armed it, it would have been loaded with nails and other shrapnel. I think Fatah just lacks the killer instinct, Al.

AL: That may be true. But that may change, because trotting on the field is the Fatah defensive unit led by Hanan Ashrawi. And she looks really mean right now John.

JOHN: BOOM! Yeah, check her out. She’s the best Al. She’s been defending Palestinian murders for years with her mile-a-minute, no interruption chatter on CNN and every other TV network. These U.N. refs better watch out, she’ll talk their ears off.

AL: Okay, it’s first and 10 from Hamas’ own 25, and they’re going to try a running play. It looks like a 15-year-old kid with an explosive belt. He’s to the 30, the 35, the 40! And oh no! He’s down before he could detonate! What happened on that tackle John?

JOHN: Oh, man it was a rough stop by Ashrawi. It looks like she pulled out some old pictures of her having sex with Peter Jennings. Once you see those images, you can’t go on. I think that kid is out for the rest of the game.

AL: Hey, John as they cart that kid out of here, it looks like Fatah head coach Mahmoud Abbas is giving Ashrawi a real talking-to on the sidelines. What’s that all about?

JOHN: Well, as a former head coach myself, I can guess Abbas is furious that Ashrawi used that tactic on the first play from scrimmage. That’s not the kind of thing you blow right off the bat. But it’s just going to be a scolding Al, Fatah can’t afford to go on without Hanan.

AL: That’s for sure, John. Okay, Hamas now has a first and 10 at the 40. And as expected, Hamas QB Khaled Mansour is going for the bomb. He’s pulled out an RPG launcher and he’s letting it fly. Oh! It’s gonna fall incomplete just shy of the abandoned and already burned-out car at the Fatah 24 yard line.

JOHN: You’d think they’d clear the field of that stuff before the big game. But having a nice clear green field to play on would really be too tough for these players to adapt to. Besides, if things looked nice on the field, they wouldn’t be able to point at it and blame the squalor on the Israelis.

AL: Jews, John, you can say “Jews,” they only say “Israelis” or “Zionists” when the non-sports, English-language news media is watching. Here in the territories, the old standby anti-Semitic comments work just fine.

JOHN: BOOM! You got me Al. I forgot.

AL: Okay, John. Second and 10 for Hamas at their 40. And oh no! It looks like we have a fan running onto the field. He’s shouting something. And he’s just exploded. Blew himself to bits John. And I think he took half the Fatah team with him!

JOHN: Man he had some good moves! Let’s look at the replay on the “coach’s clicker.” Here you see he’s getting up to a pretty good sprint as he nears the Fatah sideline. But he waits. You see that? He waits, until the on-the-field Fatah players get closer to him and then he pushes the detonator. BOOM! That was a big explosion. He’s one tough-acting kid.

AL: Well, not anymore John. He’s gone. But I think this game is over. Fatah can’t even field 11 players for the rest of the game.

JOHN: Yep, Hamas is going to win by a forfeit. But don’t feel bad for the surviving Fatah leaders, Al. They’re sure to get some great appointments at a British or French University pretty soon.

AL: Yep, there’s plenty of room in the literature department at the Sorbonne. That’s all for us. But don’t forget to catch the postgame show where this will all be blamed on America and the Jews and then stay tuned for Jimmy Kimmel live where he’ll talk to some of the players. See you next time!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Bush on Tour
President Bush's multi-city tour touting the economy is drawing huge crowds. That's because everywhere he goes, most people are out of work and have nothing else to do.

Top 5 Slogans on T-Shirts Banned from the House Gallery

5) "I'm with Congressman Stupid"

4) "Have a Nice Lobbying Day"

3) "Intern Panty Inspector"

2) "I Can't Talk Now, My Phone's Being Tapped"

1) "My President invaded Iraq, and all I got is this lousy T-Shirt"

Frey Dropped
James Frey's literary agent has dropped the author after it was revealed that he fabricated parts of his memoir "A Million Little Pieces." Agents hate it when their clients are better liars than they are.

Mine Control
Despite all the recent coalmine deaths, President Bush's new nominee to head the Mine Safety and Health Administration says current safety laws are adequate. He reminded everyone that if you outlaw deadly coalmines; only outlaws will operate deadly coalmines.

House Cuts Healthcare
The House of Representatives narrowly passed a bill cutting health care aid for the poor Wednesday night. Republicans hope this will teach poor people to stop getting sick.

Rice's Pick
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she's picking the Pittsburgh Steelers to win the Super Bowl. Rice will now call for economic sanctions against the Seattle Seahawks at the U.N. beginning tomorrow.

Taller and Smarter?
A new study show that men taller than 6 foot 4 inches tall get better educations than shorter men. But skeptics say that just because they get basketball scholarships to college doesn't mean they learn anything there.

JAKE NOVAK's Relationship Sit-Com: "Dates from Hell"

Episode One: "The Brisket Brigade"

A recently widowed elderly Jewish man in Boca Raton is inundated with women suddenly showing up at his doorstep with piping hot pots of brisket. Each and every one of them is disappointed as they learn his teeth are in the shop.

Episode Two: "A Date with THE MAN"

A fortyish successful restaurant owner is enjoying her date with the very proper buttoned-down gentleman when he suddenly reveals he is with the IRS and this is actually a field audit.

Episode Three: "All in the Family"

A 30-year-old woman is swept off her feet by the man of her dreams. And for the crucial third date, he takes her for a fabulous ski weekend in Utah... where she meets his five other wives.

I'm hoping I can get a 22-episode deal with the new CW network.

Bush Polls
As he delivered his State of the Union address Tuesday night, President Bush was facing some of his weakest job approval ratings ever. Unfortunately, the best way for him to improve his poll numbers was to not deliver the State of the Union address.

Top 5 Surprises During the State of the Union Address

5) Ted Kennedy and Nancy Pelosi kept interrupting the address to do body shots off each other

4) "New guy" Justice Alito seen shining all the other justices' shoes during the speech

3) Simon Cowell cut the President off after 30 seconds and started criticizing his performance

2) Halfway through the speech, President Bush suddenly switched to Yiddish

1) Bush remembered all his lines... forgot his pants

Bush Goals
Political experts say President Bush was hoping to use his State of the Union address to renew his relationship with the American people. That explains why he stopped several times during the speech to say we were all "beautiful" and as "looked better than the day he was first inaugurated."

Bush Goals II
As the price of crude oil approaches $70 a barrel, President Bush proposed ending the nation's dependence on foreign energy by using new technology, coal, and asking all the oil companies to fight their own God-damned wars for once.

Bush Goals III
President Bush also used his State of the Union address to urge Americans to reject isolationism... which makes a lot of sense since we'll all soon be working for the Chinese.

Google Disappoints
Google shares fell sharply after the company reported 4th quarter earnings well short of Wall Street expectations. Apparently the best search engine in the world can find everything but profits.

Filibuster Fails
Senator Ted Kennedy's drive to filibuster the Alito confirmation vote failed Monday. Geez, when will the Democrats learn not to let Ted Kennedy drive?

Barbie Shift
The CEO of Mattel said he plans "profound" changes for Barbie after a two-year slide in the toy's profits. This can only mean that he's going to demand that Barbie starts "putting out."

Change of Business
A New Zealand physician is reopening his failing practice as a brothel. So now you can really get screwed when you go to the doctor's office.