Thursday, April 30, 2009

Detroit in the Dumps
Hollywood is working on a new movie about Chrysler: "Chitty Chitty Bankrupt."

Chrysler Creditors
Insiders are denying published reports that say talks between Chrysler and the banks have broken down. They say what really happened is that the negotiators couldn't get to the talks because they're stuck in a broken down Chrysler.

At the Table
Currently, the banks, Chrysler, and government representatives are locked in a hotel room in downtown Detroit... and as soon as the hotel figures out they're getting free porn, negotiations should resume.

Biden Quote
Vice President Joe Biden says he wouldn't travel on a plane right now because of the swine flu. Everyone else in America just doesn't want to travel on a plane with Joe Biden.

Penn-Wright Splittsville
Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are finally calling it quits. Penn is now finally free to marry his true love: Hugo Chavez.

Luxury Guilt
A new survey shows that rich people feel guilty when they buy luxury items like jewelry in a bad economy... but not as bad as taxpayers when we buy stupid things like Chrysler, Citigroup and AIG in a bad economy.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Obama Day 100
This marks President Obama's 100th day in office. In that time, he's spent more than $6 trillion... making this the most bold presidency ever or just the sequel to "Brewster's Millions."

With GM and Chrysler teetering near bankruptcy, Ford's business is seeing a pick up in revenues... mostly because the automaker is now selling cars and antidepressants.

Swine Flu Airlines
The swine flu outbreak is hurting the already strapped U.S. travel industry. Most U.S. airlines are now charging travellers a special $25 surcharge if they don't want to be seated next to a Mexican.

Citi Bonuses
Citigroup is asking the Treasury for permission to pay special bonuses to many key employees... like the guy who makes out all the pink slips every month.

Specter Reaction
Most Republicans are saying that they're happy that Senator Arlen Specter is leaving their party... mostly because he's showing flu-like symptoms.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

BREAKING NEWS!!! Specter Switch
Republican Senator Arlen Specter says he is "switching teams"... but it's not clear if he's going to be a pitcher or a catcher.

WHO Alert Level Raised
The World Health Organization has raised its alert level in response to the swine flu virus spreading from Mexico. The only thing more dangerous than getting the swine flu from Mexico is... living in Mexico.

Jet Scare
A low-flying government just off lower Manhattan frightened New Yorkers working in the financial district yesterday. Some brokers thought it was a repeat of 9/11, but most were terrified President Obama was coming with more regulations.

Cash Demand
The government is pushing Bank of America and Citigroup to raise more money... and once they do that, the government would love to know who gave them that money so it can tax the Hell out of them.

New Dino Theory
A new study suggests that the dinosaurs may not have been killed by an asteroid after all. This leads most experts to believe that they were probably scared to death by the World Health Organization.

Huge Playoff Rout
The Denver Nuggets routed the New Orleans Hornets by 58 points in last night's playoff game. Hornets fans are calling the game "Hurricane Carmelo."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Stimulus Reservations
$500 million of the stimulus money is being spent to improve math education on Indian reservations... mostly because too many dealers at their casinos are still hitting on 19.

Auto Deal
Chrysler and the UAW have reached an 11th hour deal. Both the union and the car company have agreed to continue sucking indefinitely.

Swine Flu Here
Investigators now have proof that the swine flu virus has come into the United States from Mexico. But the virus insists it was just trying to get a job washing dishes at Red Lobster.

Investigators now have proof that the swine flu virus has come into the United States from Mexico. The sick pigs apparently huffed, puffed, and blew our border down.

Taliban Pulls Out
The Taliban has suspended its participation in peace talks with Pakistan. It turns out all the negotiating has put them way behind on their monthly honor killings and suicide bombings.

Pontiac Dead
GM is scrapping its 83-year-old Pontiac brand... mostly because the only people still driving Pontiacs are 83 years old.

GM is scrapping its 83-year-old Pontiac brand... but since it is a GM brand, Pontiacs will still get free health care and Viagra for another 50 years.

UGA Prof at Large
A University of Georgia professor is still at large after shooting his wife and two other people outside a community theater Saturday afternoon. Meanwhile, the people inside who were watching the community theater production are wondering why they weren't as lucky.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Ford's Good Numbers
Bucking a trend, Ford Motor Co. posted higher than expected revenues in the first quarter of this year. Ford is doing better by cutting prices, improving quality, and systematically killing UAW retirees.

Job Fair
About 400 laid off finance professionals are expected to attend a government job fair in Manhattan today. But experts believe the former Wall Street traders are still too inexperienced at failure to work in the government.

5th Grade Dealers
Two Indianapolis fifth graders face charges for selling drugs inside their elementary school. The teacher's union turned them in when they didn't give them 70% of their profits for retirement pensions and health benefits.

Credit Card Plan
President Obama is promising to get tough on abuses by credit card industry. He's going to turn all the credit card CEO's over to the Guantanamo Bay torturers he's not going to prosecute.

Chrysler Deal
Even if Chrysler goes bankrupt, the federal government will guarantee its union workers and retiree benefits. The only other organization that pays its failed employees for life is the federal government.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Obama Holocaust
Today, President Obama will deliver a short speech at the Holocaust Remembrance ceremony at the U.S. Capitol. Meanwhile, Obama still hopes to meet with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to help plan the next Holocaust.

Obama Credit Cards
President Obama is meeting today with the top credit card issuers to demand that they not raise interest rates and fees on consumers. He also wants to find out how long it will take to pay back a $2 trillion deficit if he only pays the minimum payment every month.

Hershey Profits Higher
Hershey's posted a higher-than-expected rise in quarterly profits, helped by price increases, market share gains, and the fact that you can buy chocolate bars with food stamps.

Stafford #1?
The Detroit Lions are expected to make Georgia quarterback Matt Stafford the #1 pick in the NFL draft. The Lions can't offer him a huge salary, but the team will give him full ownership of GM, Chrysler, and 500,000 foreclosed homes.

Condi Okays Torture
A Senate Intelligence Committee document shows that Condoleezza Rice personally approved the CIA's use of waterboarding on al-Qaeda suspects. That's a surprising positions coming from a woman who obviously doesn't even have the guts to see a dentist.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Freddie Mac DOA
A top Freddie Mac executive has been found dead in his Northern Virginia home. Great, another home is about to go on the market.

Earth Day C02
Today is Earth Day. Now that carbon dioxide has been declared a pollutant, everyone in America is being asked not to exhale for the next 24 hours.

Earth Day History
Since the first Earth Day in 1970, the world's countries have increased their use of fossil fuels and other pollutants by about 1,000%. Nice work greenies.

Somali Pirate Adult Trial
A federal judge has ruled that the Somali pirate suspect being held in Manhattan is at least 18 years old. That's bad news for his criminal case, but good news for his chances of getting a full time job at Long John Silvers.

Charles' Green Book
A new environmental book by Prince Charles thrashes big coporations for developing too many natural resources. The Prince is worried that if this trend keeps up, there won't be enough elk to hunt at his 75 mansions and estates.

Flint Demolition
City leaders in Flint, Michigan want to demolish entire blocks of the city to save the better ones. In a related story, the Obama administration is looking into demolishing Michigan.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Pirate in NYC
The lone surviving Somali pirate of the four who hijacked the Maersk Alabama has been arraigned in a Manhattan federal court. While he's here, New Yorkers are hoping he'll at least kidnap a few Wall Street executives.

Nice Pants
Pairs of pants that enhance a man's crotch are all the rage in Europe. Experts say if they sold those pants in New York and Washington, we probably wouldn't have had the stock market meltdown or the war in Iraq.

Mitchell's Accusation
Former astronaut Edgar Mitchell insists that extraterrestrial life exists, and that the truth is being concealed by the U.S. government... mostly because Washington doesn't want us to know just how much money we've spent to bail out the entire Martian banking system.

Morgan Stanley Banks
Morgan Stanley executives are considering buying smaller banks across the U.S. in hopes of diversifying the business, getting into consumer lending, and having a really good place to hide their excessive bonuses.

Pulitzer Prizes
Columbia University handed out the Pulitzer Prizes last night. The New York Times won the most awards, which explains why there were so many Pulitzer Prize medallions at my local pawn shop this morning.

Pulitzer Prizes
Columbia University handed out the Pulitzer Prizes last night. In a stunning development, one of the winning newspaper reporters actually hadn't been laid off!

Video Game Junkies
A new study shows that teens who play video games for more than one hour a day are more likely to become addicted to alcohol, drugs, and Taco Bell.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Obama Cost-Cutting
President Obama has given his cabinet 90 days to eliminate dozens of government programs shown to be "wasteful or ineffective"... and after they shut down GM and the banks, they'll still have 85 days to go.

Obama Cost-Cutting
President Obama has given his cabinet 90 days to eliminate dozens of government programs shown to be "wasteful or ineffective." This means Bo the dog has three months to get housebroken.

Madonna Injury
Madonna suffered minor injuries Saturday when she was thrown off a horse. Insiders say the horse got wildly agitated when Madonna tried to adopt him.

Earth Day
Earth Day is this Wednesday. The event has lost a bit of its green luster now that it's sponsored by Exxon and McDonald's.

TiVo Data
TiVo is set to sell advertisers instant info on what people watch, and how long they watch it. Preliminary data shows that most Americans watch the full hour of "American Idol," about 45 minutes of "Survivor," and men watch "The Playboy Channel" for seven minutes at a time.

Michelle's Call
First Lady Michelle Obama says the nation needs more youthful idealists than ever before. That's because all the young and inexperienced kids are already working for her husband.

Millen Hired
Ex-Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen has taken a job as an anaylst at ESPN. Experts now predict ESPN will go 2-14 this season.

Torture Frequency
New reports show that C.I.A. interrogators used waterboarding on two key prisoners from Al Qaeda 266 times. Considering the prisoner never showered before being captured, this was actually doing them a favor.

Sean Bell Street
Community activists want to rename a street in Queens in honor of Sean Bell, the man who was mistakenly shot and killed by cops as he left his bachelor party in 2006. Mayor Bloomberg and the NYPD are actually willing to go ahead with the idea, provided the new name of the street is "Drunk at a Strip Club Ave."