Stimulus Reservations
$500 million of the stimulus money is being spent to improve math education on Indian reservations... mostly because too many dealers at their casinos are still hitting on 19.



Auto Deal
Chrysler and the UAW have reached an 11th hour deal. Both the union and the car company have agreed to continue sucking indefinitely.



Swine Flu Here
Investigators now have proof that the swine flu virus has come into the United States from Mexico. But the virus insists it was just trying to get a job washing dishes at Red Lobster.

Investigators now have proof that the swine flu virus has come into the United States from Mexico. The sick pigs apparently huffed, puffed, and blew our border down.



Taliban Pulls Out
The Taliban has suspended its participation in peace talks with Pakistan. It turns out all the negotiating has put them way behind on their monthly honor killings and suicide bombings.



Pontiac Dead
GM is scrapping its 83-year-old Pontiac brand... mostly because the only people still driving Pontiacs are 83 years old.

GM is scrapping its 83-year-old Pontiac brand... but since it is a GM brand, Pontiacs will still get free health care and Viagra for another 50 years.



UGA Prof at Large
A University of Georgia professor is still at large after shooting his wife and two other people outside a community theater Saturday afternoon. Meanwhile, the people inside who were watching the community theater production are wondering why they weren't as lucky.