Castro No Go
Cuba's President Raul Castro will not be attending today's Summit of the Americas in Trinidad. Not because of any political protest, just because his country's one row boat is currently in the shop.



GM News Conference
GM CEO Fritz Henderson will brief the news media this morning on the situation at the company. GM is offering no details of Henderson's speech, but it is scheduled to take place at a Detroit funeral home.

GM News Conference II
GM CEO Fritz Henderson will brief the news media this morning on the situation at the company. All reporters are welcome to the event, but GM says it can't take responsibility for their wallets and valuables.



Pirate Questioning
U.S. prosecutors are interrogating the Somali pirate captured by Navy SEALS last weekend. But getting anything out of the prisoner will be extremely difficult as he is a member of the UAW.



Concealed Weapons
About 300 University of Texas students walked out of class yesterday to protest a state bill that would allow the carrying of concealed handguns on campus. They said nothing, however, about the carrying of the even more lethal Jello shots to class.



Pakistan Plan
The White House says the best investment against the Taliban is sending an additional $5 billion to the Pakistani government. Unfortunately, the Pakistani's think the best investment against the Taliban is sending $5 billion to Bernie Madoff.