Navy Ship Arrives
A U.S. warship has arrived on the scene of a boat where four Somali pirates are holding a U.S. cargo ship captain hostage. President Obama has sent the ship there to make sure it isn't emitting too much CO2.



Cobain Anniversary
This week marks the 15th anniversary of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain's suicide. Music fans are still asking a lot of unanswered questions, like "why did he do it?", "why didn't anybody stop him?", and "why couldn't he have shot Courtney Love first?"



Recession Environment
The economic crisis has forced offices and factories to cut back, and that means less use of fossil fuels. This explains why environmentalists are offering a $1 billion bonus to the CEO who lays off the most people in 2009.



Immigration Laws
President Obama is pushing for new immigration laws that will make it easier for foreigners to become citizens... especially if they agree to buy our overpriced homes at a special "Welcome to America!" 15% mortgage rate.



Walmart vs. Easter
Walmart is blaming Easter for slower sales last month. The discount chain is also attacking the large bonus Jesus got last year.