New Social Networking Site
To compete with "Twitter," I am starting a new social networking site for people who want to text while they are in the bathroom. It's called "Shitter."



Vermont Gay Marriage
Vermont's House of Representatives has voted in favor of gay marriage. The legislators passed the lesbian-friendly bill in the hopes of bailing out the state's struggling flannel shirt industry.



Beatles "Reunion"
Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr will reunite this weekend at Radio City Music Hall... not for a concert, just to swap prescription medications and tubs on Ben-Gay.



N. Korea Missile Test
The Obama administration is furious over North Korea's impending missile test. The White House is mostly worried about what the launch could do the ozone layer.



FDA Tobacco
The House of Representatives has passed a bill that would give the Food and Drug Administration the authority to regulate tobacco products... which makes sense now that a pack of cigarettes costs about the same as a bottle of Viagra.