Wagoner Ousted
In a stunning move, GM CEO Rick Wagoner has agreed to step down as part of the Obama administration's auto industry restructuring plan. Wagoner was given two choices: step down at GM, or be forced to take the CEO job at Chrysler.

Wagoner was reportedly not willing to budge from his CEO position at GM, but he was finally convinced to step down when the government promised him a free Toyota.

The government is looking for someone to replace Wagoner who can really turn the company around... like somebody who can afford to buy 17 million cars by next Wednesday.



Spartans Win
Michigan State's entry into the Final Four has boosted spirits in the economically suffering state... mostly because you don't actually need a job to get into an NCAA basketball office pool.



Cellphone Laws
Several states are considering passer tougher laws to ban cellphone use while driving. Experts say the efforts are a waste of time because the Obama administration is working on banning driving.



O'Hare Honors Lincoln
O'Hare Airport is honoring Lincoln's 200th birthday with a series of historic displays in several terminals. But O'Hare will continue to dishonor Lincoln's memory by continuing to enslave thousands of people on the airport security line.



Don't Ask, Don't Tell Delay
The Obama administration says it's delaying its promised changes to the controversial "don't ask, don't tell" policy toward gays in the military because of the economic crisis. The White House isn't sure there's enough money in the budget to pay for color-coordinated uniforms.