Citi Office Remodeling
Bailed-out Citigroup is going to spend $10 million to remodel some executive offices. The offices need new windows that don't open so the executives stop trying to jump out of them.



Bonus Givebacks
Several AIG executives have agreed to give back their controversial bonuses. They've all decided to go after the real easy money and run for Congress.



Emergency Delivery
NYPD officers delivered a baby during morning rush hour in the middle of Penn Station yesterday. Being born at Penn Station is just like being born at the hospital; it's dirty, crowded, and nothing really runs on time.



Death Penalty Repealed
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has repealed the death penalty in the state. That's because Richardson is facing possible jail time, and he just doesn't want to be lonely.



China Spending
A new survey shows that China's 1.3 billion consumers won't dip into their savings and buy enough products to avoid a global recession... mostly because the Chinese make most of those products and know just how crappy and poisonous they truly are.


REAL FAKE HEADLINE OF THE DAY

"Animal Rights Protesters Trampled by Circus Elephants"