NASA Search Mission
NASA will launch the Kepler spacecraft, mounted with the biggest telescope ever, later today. Its mission is to find Earth-like planets in the Milky Way... and then ask them for $500 trillion to bail us out.



Teddy's Here!
Ted Kennedy helped lead President Obama' White House health care forum yesterday... which explains why the new health insurance bill includes subsidies for brain surgery, neurological rehab, and bourbon.



Cramdown Bill Passes
The House has passed a bill that will allow bankruptcy judges to permanently lower mortgage payments for distressed homeowners. But the price will still be high as every mortgage holder who gets help will be forced to pay the courts back by doing jury duty.



Big Spending Bill
Congress is pushing through a new $410 billion omnibus spending bill that includes millions of dollars for driftwood cleanup on the Potomac. American taxpayers would be more supportive of a bill that cleans up the deadwood on the Potomac known as Congress.



Treasury Staff Problems
Several candidates for top jobs at the U.S. Treasury have withdrawn their names from consideration. If they wanted to take jobs in the financial industry with no chance of succeeding, they'd work for Citigroup.