Bush Surgery
Former first lady Barbara Bush underwent open heart surgery last night. The hospital had to find a conservative doctor to perform the procedure because liberals refuse to believe any Republicans have a heart.



Work Furloughs
More businesses are using worker furloughs to save money and weather the economic downturn. Restaurants have been closing on weekdays, car dealerships are cutting their hours, and the Kansas City Royals haven't showed up to play a game since 1993.



Owens Released
The Dallas Cowboys have released wide receiver Terrell Owens. For the Cowboys, the move frees up $34 million in salary cap money and $980 billion in Prozac costs through 2010.

NFL insiders say the leading contenders to obtain Owens are the Broncos, Jets, and Bellevue Mental Hosptial.



Mega Millions Winners
Tuesday's $216 million Mega Millions jackpot will be shared by 10 employees at a New Jersey insurance company. In a perfect world, they would still get their money, but be forced to first fill out 100,000 forms and then wait 12 years to actually start getting their money.



China Stimulus
China is considering a huge stimulus plan as its economic woes continue to grow. The Chinese have been caught off guard as the global recession has surprisingly killed demand for faulty electronics and poisonous toys.