Cookies Crumble
Girl Scout cookie sales are plummeting across the country. The girls are having a hard time competing with their laid off parents who are now selling crack.



Woods A Dad Again
Tiger Woods and his wife Elin have given birth to a baby boy, Charlie. Charlie already has a $20 million Nike diaper endorsement contract.



Hillary's Priorities
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is making climate change a top priority on her weekend trip to China. Her main goal is to make sure the Chinese install recycling bins in all the factories staffed by 8-year-old slave laborers.



Netanyahu Back on Top
Benjamin Netanyahu will likely become the next prime minister of Israel after being asked to form the new government. The news is disappointing Arab leaders... not because Netanyahu is tough on terrorism, but because he's a Jew who's not dead.



Post is Sorry
The New York Post is apologizing after running an editorial cartoon that made it look like the stimulus bill was written by a chimp. The paper admits it should have known the bill was written by a jackass.