More Money
GM and Chrysler are asking for an additional $22 billion. That should cover the cost of the 22 billion pink slips they'll be sending out in the next two weeks.



Body Imagers
In a tryout at Tulsa's airport, airline passengers will skip metal detectors and instead be screened by body scanners. To save money in this economy, all female passengers will be scanned by teenage boys working for free.



NASCAR Drug Tests
The first-ever drug testing of NASCAR drivers is now complete. The tests found that every pro driver was negative for steroids, amphetamines, and tooth paste.



Ex-Brokers take Census Jobs
Thousands of laid off Wall Street brokers are taking census jobs. Because of the way they inflated the value of stocks, we can expect the next census to show that there are 900 billion people living in America.



Chimp Story Still Big
The national news media continues to cover the story of the 200-pound chimp that almost killed a woman in Connecticut. The media could only ignore this story if the chimp had been a Muslim.