A-Rod Confesses
Alex Rodriguez now admits to taking steroids from 2001-03... and everyone who's an A-Rod fan has admitted to taking prozac every time he comes up to bat with the bases loaded in a playoff game.

A-Rod says he took the steroids because he felt, "an enormous pressure to perform"... actually, that's why he takes Viagra.




Top SEC Investigator Quits
In the wake of the Bernie Madoff scandal, the director of the SEC's Division of Enforcement is resigning. She insists she's leaving government work to spend more time trying to find the tooth fairy, Big Foot, and the Easter Bunny.



Starbucks Deal
Starbucks is planning its first value menu. $3.95 will now get you a latte with coffee cake, coffee with a sandwich, or another 15 hours of sitting on your ass nursing one coffee and using the free bathroom.