Stimulus Rush
The House is rushing to vote on President Obama's $825 billion 1,000-page stimulus plan. Congress will use $25 billion to boost the economy and $800 billion to pay someone to actually read the bill.



NFL Head Trauma
New studies show more and more NFL players have sustained massive brain damage... which explains how they find enough people to play for the Detroit Lions.



SEC Move?
There's a strong push to move the headquarters of the Securities and Exchange Commission from Washington to Wall Street. This should make it easier for ponzi scammers and insider traders to find the right people to bribe.



Geithner Picks Goldman Lobbyist
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has picked a former Goldman Sachs lobbyist as his top aide. Geithner realized a Goldman employee would be a perfect choice after seeing an episode of "Criminal Minds."



Yahoo Loses
Internet giant Yahoo lost $303 million in the fourth quarter of 2008. Losing money wouldn't be so embarrassing if it weren't for the fact that Yahoo is supposed to be a SEARCH engine.