Teddy Better
Senator Ted Kennedy is expected to leave the hospital today after suffering a seizure at President Obama's inaugural luncheon. Doctors felt confident that Kennedy was recovering when he finally started speaking more coherently than his niece Caroline.



Caroline Out
Caroline Kennedy has abandoned her bid for the U.S. Senate seat vacated by Hillary Clinton, citing personal concerns... like not being able to recite the oath of office properly.



Obama's First Call
President Obama has invited the leaders of Jordan, Egypt, Israel and the Palestinian Authority to the White House. Obama expects to feel better about his new job by immediately meeting with people running countries that are actually more screwed up than the U.S.

President Obama is hoping to stabilize the U.S. economy, but now that President Bush is out office, John Stewart, Keith Olberman and Stephen Colbert need a bailout.



Buffalo Wing Shortage
Poultry distributors are warning of a sharp shortage in chicken wings this Super Sunday. As a result, 75% of the nation's bar room barf moppers are being laid off.



Your Money at Work
Experts say the first $4 billion in government loans to GM hasn't been used for production, and it's all gone to employee pay and health benefits. As a result, there's a dangerous situation in Detroit as hundreds of thousands of men are roaming the streets with no work to do but plenty of cash and Viagra in their pockets.