Jobs Report
The U.S. economy lost 500,000 jobs in December... 400,000 of them were head coaching positions in the NFL.



Pirates Relent
The Somali pirates holding an oil-laden Saudi supertanker for weeks, have finally released the ship. With crude prices below $40 barrel, the pirates are going back to ripping off cruise ship tourists.



War Continues
Israeli aircraft attacked more than 50 targets today in Gaza believed to be terrorist sites... unfortunately none of them was Christianne Amanpour's hotel room.



Northwest Floods
Rising flood waters have cut off all the roads from Seattle to Portland... but the UN is calling the large number of sandbaggers and rescue crews responding to the floods as a "disproportionate response."



New Yahoo CEO
Yahoo is expected to announce its choice for a new CEO sometime today. The frontrunner for the job is whoever proves he or she can protect Yahoo's future by successfully killing Jerry Yang.



Metro Jam
Officials in charge of the Washington, D.C. Metro system are worried about the huge crowds expected to jam stations and public restrooms on inauguration day. Luckily, all the New Yorkers coming to the event already know how to pee on the subway platform.



BCS Title Game
In the college football champioship, Florida beat Oklahoma 24-14. Coincidentally, 24 and 14 is also the grade point average for most of Florida and Oklahoma's players.