Blue Christmas
Retail sales fell 4% this holiday season. The store chains are blaming the weather and supply problems, but also... no one has any money!



Obama #1
A new poll shows President-elect Barack Obama is the most admired man in America, not because of his politics, but because he's the only guy in the country who still knows he has a job for the next four years.



Lotto Crash
State lottery sales are sharply down across the country this year... proving once again that as we get poorer, we get smarter.



Kitt Dies
Eartha Kitt dies yesterday at the age of 81. Her top achievements include her pop hit, "Santa Baby," playing Catwoman on "Batman," and dying on Christmas Day so her obit could lead the news for 12 hours straight.



Church and Sex
A new report shows that more Americans attend church than have sex... but that doesn't include the millions of Americans who go to church praying for sex.



Military Going Green
All branches of the U.S. military are being ordered to be more environmentally friendly. Luckily, the blood of terrorists is apparently an excellent non-toxic fertilizer.