U.S. Airways Crash
The U.S. Airways pilot who landed his plane safely in the Hudson River after massive engine failure is being hailed as a hero. That's opposed to the airline executives, who are forcing the passengers to pay a $25 retrieval fee for each checked bag.

Witnesses say a flock of birds flew into the engines and brought the plane down. The incident is prodding the incoming Obama administration to turn the Guatanamo Bay prison into a restricted bird holding sanctuary.

Dozens of rescue vehicles and ferry boats rushed to the scene of the crash to help the victims. Palestinian demonstrators immediately began protesting the disproportionate response.



Citi Losses
Citigroup has posted another $8.3 billion loss and will split into two companies. The first will be called "Crap," and the other "Garbage."



Hamas Targets
Israel says its airstrikes will continue to target Hamas leaders... which is why every surviving Hamas terror chief is now living at the local U.N.-run kindergarten.


Video Sales Soar
Video game sales rose 9% in December... mostly because of all the laid-off Americans now staying home and playing video games.