Madoff Bail Upheld
Bernie Madoff has been allowed to remain in his luxury apartment under house arrest. This is all great news for the new billionaire home shopping cable network.


Close Gitmo?
Reports say one of President Obama's first acts will be to close the Guantanamo Bay prison complex. The Obama team hopes the released prisoners will find their way to Florida and spark a resurgence in the local real estate market.



Hillary Hearings
Hillary Clinton's Secretary of State confirmation hearings begin this week. Mrs. Clinton is not expected to have any trouble being confirmed, especially now that she's already had Bill spayed and neutered.



Planned Parenthood Cutbacks
Planned Parenthood of America is cutting 20% of its staff. A memo went out to the entire staff saying that many of them are getting laid off because not enough people are getting laid.

Planned Parenthood of America is cutting 20% of its staff. Demand is down for organization's services now that no one can afford to have sex.