Warners Cuts
Warner Brothers says it will cut about 800 jobs, or 10% of its worldwide staff, in the coming weeks. Sylvester the Cat is offering to do his part by eating Tweety Bird.


Warner Brothers says it needs to cut about 800 jobs, or 10% of its worldwide staff, in the coming weeks. One job has already been eliminated as animators have been instructed to finally allow Wyle E. Coyote to kill the Road Runner.



Obama Jobs Plan
President Obama is promising to create 3 million new jobs. He's more than halfway there now that we need about 2 million workers to clean up Washington after all the inaugural festivities.



Hamas Rally
Hamas is staging several "victory rallies" in Gaza today. Even though they suffered serious losses to the Israelis, Hamas members are celebrating because they were getting really tired of hanging out in the U.N. kindergarten classroom.



Saudi Prince Loses
Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal's Kingdom Holdings fund lost a stunning $8.26 billion in the last quarter. This means the prince's support for terrorism will be downgraded from million dollar donations to a Facebook shout out to Osama bin Laden.



Metro Record
Because of the Obama inauguration, Washington's Metrorail set new ridership records yesterday. The previous record was set in 1997, when millions of people flocked to D.C. to confirm the rumors that someone in Washington was actually working.