Animal Love
A Michigan Zoo is charging couples $50 to watch animals mating on Valentine's Day. Hey, if I want to see some unintelligent animals having sex I'll just watch the Paris Hilton tape.



Bank Rescue Plan
The Dow Jones fell about 400 points after Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner gave no details about his bank rescue plan. When Geithner does give the details on the plan, the Dow is expected to lose about 500 points.



CEO's on the Hill
The CEO's of eight banks that got billions from the government's bailout program will be forced to explain what they did with that money on Capitol Hill today. It's expected to be a brutal session since Congress hates it when people spend and waste more money than they do.

The eight CEO's want to avoid the controversy of arriving in Washington via private jet. So they're choosing a lower-cost, pro-green mode of transportation by hiring several laid off investment bankers to pull them down to D.C. by rickshaw.



The Day the Muzak Died
Elevator music producer Muzak Holdings has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy... and you thought all the financial news these days was bad!



Nike Layoffs
Sneaker maker Nike is laying off 1,400 workers. Some of the employees will get generous severance packages, while others will just go back to their 3rd grade classrooms in Taiwan.



Election Deadlock
The Israeli election continues to be too close to call, frustrating millions of Palestinian terrorists who still don't know which campaign headquarters to try to blow up.



Overweight Moms
A new report shows that women who are obese when they conceive have an increased risk of delivering babies with birth defects. There's also almost a 100% chance that throughout junior high school, their kids will be razzed with "yo momma so fat" jokes.