Obama's Promise
In his speech to a joint session of Congress last night, President Obama promised that America will rebuild... it's just that when we're rebuilding we won't be allowed to use oil, coal, or do anything that may hurt endangered snakes.

In his speech to a joint session of Congress last night, President Obama promised that America will rebuild... as soon as we can find someone stupid enough to lend us another $2 trillion.



Bank Stress Test
The U.S. Treasury begins "stress testing" top banks today to see which ones will survive further economic problems. The banks not expected to pass the new test are the ones now using coin-operated ATM's.



No More Help!
75% of Americans are now against any more government help for the Detroit automakers. And the other 25% only favor new aide because they are currently in a stalled Buick on I-95.



NK Missile Test
North Korea says its planned missile launch test is really just part of its plans for a peaceful space program. The starving nation is hoping to safely land a man at a Taco Bell drive thru.



Tiger Returns
Tiger Woods returns to pro golf after taking 8 months off. Millions of fans are expected to follow him on tour so they can ask him for a loan.