Sales Pitch
President Obama says he wants the American people to buy stocks. Why should the government be the only one buying worthless pieces of crap?



Blockbuster Bankruptcy?
Movie-rental chain Blockbuster has hired law firm Kirkland & Ellis to explore restructuring. The firm is expected to suggest several options, and then just go ahead and torch all the remaining Blockbuster stores for the insurance money.



Save the Animals
President Obama is overturning the Bush Administration's efforts to reduce protections for endangered species. The Obama team is looking to save all endangered species except the middle class.



Sex Ed Options
Several states are offering parents and kids the choice between sex ed classes that stress abstinence or classes that promote contraception. But most kids are opting for the classes with less science and math.



Cricket Arrests
Pakistani police have made several arrests in connection with yesterday's shooting attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team. The suspects are all part of a terrorist movement dedicated to defending sports people can actually understand.