Stem Cell Decision
President Obama will reverse the Bush administration's limits on government spending for embryonic stem-cell research today. The White House is hoping scientists will discover a way to use stem cells to regrow the stock market.

Nancy Pelosi is especially excited about the move, as she is hoping to use stem cells to help her grow a penis.



A-Rod Surgery
The good news for Yankee fans is that Alex Rodriguez is having a stop-gap surgery that should have him on the field by May. The bad news is that A-Rod's cousin is performing the operation.



Drug Merger
Pharmaceutical giant Merck is buying rival Schering-Plough for $41 billion. The combined company is hoping to break new ground in making life-saving new drugs that no one can afford.



Elderly Woman Sentenced
A Saudi Arabian court has sentenced a 75-year-old woman to 40 lashes and four months imprisonment for speaking with two men who were delivering bread to her home. Since Saudi Arabia is a part of the U.N. Human Rights Commission, this incident will be blamed on the Jews.



Religion Survey
A new survey shows the number of Christians in America has dropped 11%... which isn't bad since 25% of all U.S. churches are now in foreclosure.



Kennedy Birthday
Celebrities and political heavyweights dominated the crowd at Senator Ted Kennedy's 77th birthday party this weekend. Just to be safe, every actress under the age of 30 was issued a lifejacket.