Saturday, April 30, 2005

Georgia Bride "Found"
The Georgia bride-to-be has now admitted she faked her own abduction. She says she did it because she couldn't think of a better way to prove just how stupid FOX News and CNN really are.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Bush Press Conference
Political experts say President Bush failed to win many converts to his policies during last night's primetime news conference. But conservatives are still happy because the news conference was successful in preempting "Will & Grace."

Top 5 Things President Bush Will Do to Lower Gas Prices

5) Keep gas-guzzling stretch limos off the streets of San Francisco by banning gay marriage

4) When Tom DeLay is finally run out of Washington, make him take the train back to Texas

3) Will keep Cheney in the bunker 360 days out of the year instead of the usual 350 days out of the year

2) Won't schedule anymore primetime news conferences so Americans can feel safe staying home to watch TV

1) Tell the oil companies he won't start any more wars for them until 2007

New Budget
Congress has just passed a $2.6 trillion budget that calls for some of the biggest spending cuts in 8 years. The measure calls for a $10 billion reduction in Medicaid spending, a $3 billion trim in agricultural programs, and a $40 billion cutback in Tom DeLay's monthly hairspray allowance.

Social Security Investing
A new study shows that average Americans don't know enough about the markets to successfully invest their Social Security money. But that message is lost on George W. Bush, who didn't know enough about anything but he still got to be President!

NBA Overseas
McDonald's and the NBA are teaming up to promote an outreach program overseas known as "Basketball Without Borders." That's opposed to the product the NBA has been peddling domestically for the last 20 years which is known as "Children Without Fathers."

Texas Healthcare
A new study shows that Texas has the highest percentage of adults who don't have health insurance. But most Texans aren't worried, because they figure no doctor will refuse to treat a patient who's armed.

Microsoft Hires Reed
Microsoft is paying Christian Coalition founder Ralph Reed $20,000 a month as a consultant, triggering complaints that he may reverse the company's progressive policies. But Microsoft denies that, and insists it only hired Reed because it desperately wanted to bring someone in who looks geekier than Bill Gates.

Phony Story
Police say the Massachusetts men who became TV news sensations when they "found" money in their backyard, actually stole it from a neighbor. Of course, making media stars of people who steal other people's money is something the folks at CNBC do every time they interview a CEO.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Newsday Alert!! I have two jokes in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Ridiculing Jake Update!! Two more newspapers have picked up the LA Times editorial that poked a bit of fun at me. Here are the links: The Athens Banner-Herald (Georgia)Athens Banner-Herald and The Yankton Daily Press (South Dakota) The Yankton Daily Press

Bush News Conference
President Bush is holding a televised news conference tonight to discuss his Social Security and Energy plans. But experts say putting the President on TV during prime time is a bad idea because many viewers might confuse it for the latest episode of "Lost."

Woodpecker Found
The ivory-billed woodpecker, long feared extinct, has been rediscovered in a remote part of Arkansas 60 years after the last sighting. The fact that experts have been forced to admit they pre-maturely declared something extinct is giving new hope to all the members of Kool and the Gang.

House Ethics Debate Ends
After a long and bitter stalemate, the House of Representative voted overwhelmingly to reinstate tougher ethics rules Republicans had reversed last year. Now that that's out of the way, all the other members of Congress can finally ger back to acting unethically.

Top 5 Signs Your Congressman is About to be Investigated by the Ethics Committee

5) Every time you call his office, the person on the other end says, "ExxonMobil, how can we help you?"

4) His car has more corporate logos than a NASCAR racer

3) Insists allegations against him are the work of "anti-Christian forces" even though he hasn't been to church in 35 years

2) His office door has a night depository for lobbyist donations

1) He's taken so many foreign trips lately he just isn't harassing the interns anymore

New Army Manual
The Pentagon has released a new army field manual clarifying the rules on prisoner interrogations. The book specifically forbids stripping prisoners, imposing dietary restrictions, using wild animals or anything else you usually see on "Fear Factor."

New Iraqi Government
Iraq's National Assembly overwhelmingly approved the ruling cabinet today, creating a multi-ethnic government filled with people of different faiths and racial backgrounds. After the vote, the Iraqi lawmakers expressed a deep hope that one day Americans will enjoy the same privilege.

Twinkie Turns 75
One of America's favorite junk food snacks, the Twinkie, turns 75 years old today. That's 10 years longer than anyone who eats Twinkies will live.

Kofi on Sesame Street
UN Secretary General Kofi Anan did a guest spot on Sesame Street today. Anan taught Elmo and the other muppets how to count, say the ABC's, and avoid implicating their parents in a massive international oil-for-food scandal.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

New Energy Plan
President Bush wants to build dozens of new oil refineries on army bases across the country. It's a good plan, especially because the U.S. military just hasn't done enough for the big oil companies lately.

Top 5 Reasons Why the Huge New Airbus A380 Won't Be Profitable

5) It can hold up to 555 normal-sized passengers, but only about 100 American passengers

4) By the time security finishes checking the whole jet and all 555 passengers, your vacation time will be over

3) A huge jet carrying more civilian passengers than ever before... who came up with that idea, al Qaeda?

2) 555 people + in-flight movie starring Ben Affleck = full-scale riot

1) The whole damned plane only has one bathroom!

Bush Core Support
Despite weaker overall poll numbers, President Bush remains most popular among clergymen and the military. But that's just because pastors and soldiers are the only people who haven't lost their jobs in the last four years.

Buried Treasure
A Massachusetts man digging in his backyard was shocked when he uncovered a wooden box filled with $1, $2, and $20 bills adding up to more than $100,000. It turns out the money was buried during a long-ago time of economic security in America known as "the Clinton years."

Turkey Hunt Carnage
Two elderly men who had gone turkey hunting together in Washington state died of apparent heart attacks just minutes apart as they chased down game. Just to be safe, turkeys across the country are now lobbying against cheaper prescription drug imports from Canada.

Turkey Hunt Carnage II
Two elderly men who had gone turkey hunting together in Washington state died of apparent heart attacks just minutes apart as they chased down game. The NRA insists this never would have happened had the men not had to undergo an aggravating background check before they got their gun licenses.

Turkey Hunt Carnage III
Two elderly men who had gone turkey hunting together in Washington state died of apparent heart attacks just minutes apart as they chased down game. PETA is already offering to pay all the turkeys' legal fees.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

L.A. Times Alert!!! An editorial writer for the L.A. Times decided to make fun of me personally yesterday. Oh well, any publicity is good publicity I guess. Here's the link: LA Times

DeLay Tags Along
House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is joining President Bush on his Social Security road tour. When you propose something as risky as betting your retirement insurance on Wall Street, it's good to bring along someone who makes you look sane by comparison.

DeLay Tags Along II
Critics are attacking the White House now that House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is joining President Bush on his Social Security road tour. That's because usually when DeLay takes trips with rich idiots, lobbyists pay for it, not the taxpayers.

Top 5 Things Overheard During President Bush's Meeting with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah

5) "I have an idea, if you increase your oil production by 500%, maybe the terrorists will be too busy to attack us!"

4) "Mr. President, let me say again that we find your culture to be decadent and evil... now, how can we help you?"

3) "Hey, don't believe what the media says about how I only want to talk to you about oil. So, um... how 'bout those Mets?"

2) "You have a lovely family, but you know in my country you could legally slay your daughters in an 'honor' killing"

1) "Thank you for bringing me to Crawford instead of the White House... it's not like I see barren wasteland back in Saudi Arabia every damn day"

Chitty Bang Boffo
Broadway's new stage version of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" is expected to be a big hit this year. It's the only time you'll see people in a car in midtown Manhattan and still be happy enough to sing about it.

Will & Grace Back
NBC has announced that "Will & Grace" will be back next fall for its 8th season. It's good news for fans of the show, and a godsend for every red state Republican who needs to use "moral values" to get re-elected this year.

Kmart Makeover
In the first sign that Sears and Kmart have really merged, a Kmart store near Chicago is among the first in the nation to carry Kenmore appliances and Craftsman tools. It's also among the first Kmarts to have customers with all their teeth.

Bono & Gates
Bono and Microsoft founder Bill Gates have been hanging out together lately. While the two men share a passion for Third World development and relief efforts, insiders say they usually just end up downloading free music from the Internet.

Jersey Bear
A black bear has been relocated to the wild after it wandered into a New Jersey neighborhood for a few weeks. The bear is said to be doing generally well, but is having a hard time finding the acid wash jeans and Bon Jovi CD's he now needs to survive.

Steroids & Women
A new study says more young women are taking steroids than ever before. Experts say they're doing it to help level the playing field when they're trying to fight off advances from Barry Bonds.

NYC Conflict of Interest
Another top aide to Mayor Michael Bloomberg has business ties to the New York Jets, raising questions about the credibility of Bloomberg's West Side stadium push. But experts say if the Bloomberg administration is concerned about credibility, it should only be worried if it turns out the aide is a Jets fan.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Jacko's Ex-Wife to Testify
Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe will take the stand in his child molestation trial today. Rowe is expected to offer damaging testimony about how Jackson acted improperly with young boys, abused alcohol, and always used to call her "Macaulay" in bed.

Top 5 Questions Prosecutors will ask Debbie Rowe in the Michael Jackson Trial

5) What the Hell were you thinking?

4) About how many pictures of Emmanuel Lewis are on Mr. Jackson's bedroom wall?

3) No really, what the Hell were you thinking?

2) Does Mr. Jackson have any original body parts left?

1) While you were married to the defendant, exactly how did you keep from constantly vomiting?

L.A. Repair Shop Closed
More than 2,000 people in Los Angeles are still without their cars this morning after a large local auto repair shop chain went out of business. Most of the desperate male customers are dressing up as women in hopes of getting a ride from Eddie Murphy.

Bush to Pressure Saudis
Later today, President Bush intends to ask Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah to help drive down soaring oil and gas prices. Abdullah is expected to listen politely, and then remind Bush that he's his bitch.

Spring Snowstorm
Detroit was hit by a freak spring snowstorm over the weekend, forcing the city's residents indoors. Luckily, people in Detroit are afraid to go outdoors no matter what the weather is.

Rich Losing Confidence
A new study shows the wealthiest Americans are beginning to lose confidence in the U.S. economy. Apparently the rich aren't sure if America's middle class and poor people have any more money left for them to steal.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Top 5 Signs You've Eaten Too Much Matzo

5) Pharaoh isn't the only one "not letting his people go" right now... know what I mean?

4) You need a copy of "War and Peace" for each bathroom in the house

3) When you accidentally ate the cardboard from the matzo box, you really didn't notice

2) Now you undertand how the Israelites were able to wander the desert for 40 years without one rest stop

1) Fasting on Yom Kippur is starting to look pretty good right now

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Top 5 Punishments for the "Wendy's Finger Lady" Scam Artist

5) Return that finger to the Kentucky Fried Chicken place where she really found it

4) Provide CNN with a new, phony, and lame story like this one every ratings period

3) Go back to her old job at The Weekly World News

2) Fill Nicole Ritchie's empty spot and co-star with Paris Hilton in "The Simple Life 4"

1) Run Tom DeLay's re-election campaign

Abu Ghraib General Cleared
The Army has cleared the three-star general in charge of Abu Ghraib prison of all charges of prisoner abuse. Pentagon investigators noted a lack of direct evidence, questionable testimony, and the fact that President Bush was re-elected anyway.

Priestly Town
Despite a shortage of Catholic priests across Europe, the town of Casoni, Italy boasts an extremely high percentage of Church clerics in the population. Experts say it's because they're very devout, spiritual, and all the women of Casoni are really ugly.

Madonna Sued
Producers of Madonna's 2004 European TV concert are suing the singer for more than $300,000 in fees they say she owes them. But judges in the case say the only people with a right to sue are the people who watched the concert.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Top 5 Possible Titles for Pope Benedict XVI's First Encyclical

5) "No More Mr. Nice Pope"

4) "The Eucharist for Dummies"

3) "Zen and the Art of Confessional Maintenance"

2) "The Chalice is Half Full"

1) "Da Vinci Code My Ass... The Vatican Doesn't Even Have a Secret Passageway to the John!"

Bolton's Faults
Critics say John Bolton's temperament, credibility and treatment of colleagues make him a bad choice to be U.N. ambassador. But they do admit he does seem to be what the Bush administration is looking for in a House majority leader.

Bolton Delays
President Bush is outraged the Senate is stalling a vote on U.N. ambassador nominee John Bolton. Bush wants them to stop delaying so he can quickly send Bolton to the U.N. and then have him do nothing.

Powell's Calls
The New York Times is reporting that former Secretary of State Colin Powell has called some Republican Senators complaining about John Bolton's treatment of subordinates. But experts say the Senators didn't listen to Powell when he made the same complaints about Dick Cheney, so why should they listen to him now?

Bush Names Pace
President Bush named General Peter Pace Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff today. Starting in Vietnam, Pace has given 40-years of service to the armed forces... which not only explains why he was chosen, but also why he and President Bush had never met before today.

Real Knives and Forks Back
The good news is more airlines are relaxing security concerns and will allow metal cutlery on flights again. The bad news is the airlines are all too broke to offer meals anymore anyway.

Roadside Stain
First, people thought they saw the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich, now they think they see her in a roadside stain in Chicago. And next month, a mental patient in Iowa is hoping everyone will believe that he consistently sees Mary's image in his stool samples.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Short Reign
Pope Benedict XVI hinted again today that he expects to have a short reign at the Vatican. Not because he expects to die soon, but because he wants to hurry up and move to America before Social Security runs out of money.

Top 5 Signs You're Just a Transitional Pope

5) The only furniture in your Vatican apartment is an Aerobed

4) Vatican isn't bothering signing you up for any frequent flier programs

3) The papal hat they gave you is adjustable

2) Popemobile driver won't let you change the pre-sets on the radio

1) Your official portrait is being done by a graffiti artist

Hilton-Ritchie Feud
Paris Hilton now openly admits that she and her "Simple Life" co-star Nicole Ritchie are no longer friends. Insiders say the two are feuding over money, men, and how to spell "Cat."

Fonda Spat On
A Vietnam veteran spit tobacco juice on Jane Fonda during a book signing event in Kansas City last night. Fonda says the incident brought back memories, not of her experiences in the anti-war movement, but of her marriage to Roger Vadim.

New Obesity Study
A new study by the Centers for Disease Control shows that obesity is not as much of a lethal health risk as once thought. That's because it turns out the extra weight can cushion the blow whenever you get shot.

No DeLay Probe
House Republicans are offering to begin an ethics investigation of Majority Leader Tom DeLay. But Democrats are rejecting the offer because they say the rules of the probe are stacked in DeLay's favor, and it's just a lot more fun to keep bashing him on the news instead.

White House Defends Bolton
The White House is refuting claims that UN ambassador nominee John Bolton treats his subordinates poorly. In fact, President Bush insists that Bolton has treated him just fine.

Councilman Quotes the Bible
Democratic New York City Councilman Allan Jennings quoted the Bible as he tried to stop his colleagues from censuring him on allegations of sexual misconduct. But Jennings was still censured, and then he was reminded that only Republicans are allowed to use religion to deflect criticism.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Papal Goals
In his first homily as Pope, Benedict XVI reached out to people of other faiths and promised to continue an "open and sincere" dialogue with them... especially if they want to talk about new ways to bash gays.

Roadside Mary
A steady stream of people have flocked to an expressway underpass in Chicago for a view of a yellow and white stain on a concrete wall that some believe is an image of the Virgin Mary. The area is also serving as a reunion spot for everyone who voted for Alan Keyes.

Inflation Woes
Inflation jumped 0.6 percent in March, the biggest surge in five months, as the costs of energy, clothing and inept Yankee relief pitchers spiraled out of control.

Times Square Trolley
New York City is considering building a street car along 42nd Street to ease pedestrian traffic. The tram will officially be called the "Times Square Trolley," but will commonly be known as the "world's biggest moving urinal."

Bankruptcy Bill
President Bush will sign a tougher new bankruptcy bill into law today. The measure will give credit card companies the right to collect more money from broke Americans, so the companies can pay for all the new credit card offers they mail to other broke Americans.

Bankruptcy Bill II
President Bush says he hopes his decision to sign the new bankruptcy bill will force people to act more responsibly when it comes to repaying debt. That's because now that the President has paid his debt to all his huge corporate contributors, he expects the rest of America to do the same.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

The College of Cardinals selected Joseph Ratzinger to be the new Pope earlier today. But it took longer than expected for him to appear on the balcony at St. Peter's square because several corporations were still bidding for the new Pope's naming rights.

Top 5 Things Pope Benedict XVI Will Do Right Away

5) Put his new name on the National "Do Not Call List" before telemarketers start calling for "Mr. Benedict"

4) Get all out-of-town cardinals back home before they take any more stuff out of the hotel mini-fridges

3) Clear out St. Peter's square before it starts smelling any worse

2) Go drag racing in the Pope mobile

1) Call all the girls who dumped him and say, "You could have been Mrs. Benedict XVI, baby!"

Ratzinger's History
Jewish groups say they feel a kinship with the German-born Ratzinger because he was a strong anti-Nazi who deserted the German army. President Bush says he feels a kinship with Ratzinger simply because he was a deserter.

Ratzinger's History II
Ratzinger was Dean of the College of Cardinals for the last two and a half years. During his tenure as Dean, he clarified Church positions on homosexuality, women's rights, and broke up six rowdy Vatican fraternity parties before they got out of hand.

Choosing Ratzinger
The Cardinals say they chose Ratzinger because of his closeness to John Paul II, impressive scholarship, and because since he's 78, there's a good chance they'll all get this major media attention again in about five years or so.

Ratzinger Dream
By becoming Pope, Joseph Ratzinger has achieved a lifelong dream to lead the Church, commune with world leaders, and lose the crappy last name "Ratzinger."

Ethical Pharmacists
More and more pharmacists are refusing to sell "morning after" birth control pills on ethical grounds. They say selling the pill is tantamount to abortion, encourages irresponsible sexual behavior, and gets in the way of ethical things like selling vital heart medications for $200 a bottle.

Top 5 Reasons ABC is Dropping Monday Night Football

5) New Disney CEO Bob Iger eager to prove he's as big an ass as Michael Eisner

4) Network needs to cut costs to keep paying Jim Belushi's meal allowance

3) Dropping football gives network 3 more hours to broadcast "Desperate Housewives" reruns

2) Football players getting hit in the crotch cannibalizes best parts of "America's Funniest Home Videos"

1) If you want to watch a bunch of guys running around like idiots, you can still watch "The Bachelorette"

Walking Man
A New York man has personally walked every block of Manhattan over the last two and a half years... not because he's interested in the city, it's just that he's still looking for a place that will let him use the bathroom without buying something first.

Ticket Mistake
Due to a Web site glitch, US Airways mistakenly sold round-trip flights for $1.86 to more than 1,000 customers over the weekend. But because it's US Airways, most of the passengers still overpaid.

Whale's Return
The wayward whale that has spent a week swimming along the banks of a New Jersey river is headed back toward open water. Experts say that after being in New Jersey for seven days, the whale is not likely to seek out human contact ever again.

McCartney Tour
Paul McCartney has announced a new North American concert schedule beginning this fall. The tour is meant to help McCartney reconnect with fans, promote his new CD, and buy the cheaper prescription drugs he needs in Canada.

Grad Student Strikes
Grad student teaching assistants at Yale and Columbia are on strike this week. But the schools say the walkout won't have much of an effect because with the weather getting warmer, no one is coming to class anymore this semester anyway.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Steinbrenner Outburst
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner is complaining about his team's 4-8 record, saying he didn't pay $200 million for such ineptitude. Well, now he knows what it was like to donate to the Bush campaign.

Papal Voting Procedures
Black smoke exited a chimney atop the Sistine Chapel today, meaning a vote was taken and a Pope was not selected. White smoke will indicate a Pope has been selected, and smoke with lots of incense and Grateful Dead music means the cardinals are "trying to relax."

Top 5 Signs You're Not Likely to be the Next Pope

5) Fellow cardinals keep telling you how you really don't look good in white

4) To tell the truth, you're not that religious

3) You would like the job, but everyone knows you'd rather spend more time with your kids

2) Riding in the "Pope mobile" always makes you carsick

1) Impossible to find Papal hats in your size

Time Tables
If this Papal selection conclave resembles previous ones, it will take several days and repeated votes to reach a majority. The cardinals like to take their time to consider each candidate, pray for guidance, and sample each of the entrees in the Vatican's 7-day dinner rotation.

Martha Gets Sirius
Martha Stewart is getting her own channel on Sirius Satellite Radio. Along with Howard Stern, Martha will become the second person on Sirius who makes her fortune mostly by demeaning women.

Cruise Horrors
Passengers on the storm-damaged "Norwegian Dawn" cruise ship to the Bahamas said the frightening experience reminded them of the Titanic. Not because the ship was in any real danger, but because the ordeal was almost as nauseating as the movie.

Anti-Japanese Protests
A series of violent anti-Japanese protests has broken out in China as the Chinese people demand Japan make a better accounting for war crimes it committed during World War II. Such protests would never occur in the U.S., not because we aren't prone to anger, but because most Americans don't know any history.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Friday, April 15, 2005

Top 5 Things to Do if You Find a Finger in Your Meal at Wendy’s

5) Put it up for auction on eBay, but only if you can see the Virgin Mary’s face somewhere on the finger

4) Hold on to it for a few days so the serious news media can give the discovery the 24/7 coverage it so clearly deserves

3) Take advantage of Wendy’s generous settlement offer of free “Biggie Fries” for life

2) Say you actually found it in a Coke can… Coke has more money than Wendy’s

1) You might as well eat it; everything else at Wendy’s will definitely kill you

Operation Falcon
A one-day nationwide sweep called “Operation Falcon” has led to the capture of more than 10,000 wanted felons. The only other way to catch that many criminals at once is to arrest everyone at an Oakland Raiders game.

Water Warning
Doctors now say that athletes who drink too much water could be hurting their performance… but the warning is only for athletes who don’t want to dilute the steroids in their bloodstream.

Implants Okayed
In a surprise turnaround, the FDA is allowing some silicone breast implants to return to the market after a long ban. The FDA still admits the implants are dangerous, but they’re the only things they’ve approved in 13 years that don’t cause heart disease.

Ritchie Gone
Nicole Ritchie will not rejoin “The Simple Life” after three seasons of teaming up with Paris Hilton on the show. FOX says she’s no longer right for the series, not because of her falling out with Hilton, but because Ritchie is beginning to show some signs of functional intelligence.

Super Surrogate
An Arizona woman, who is serving as a surrogate mother for a couple, discovered that she is pregnant with quintuplets, and has refused to take money from the couple. That’s because she only has to give birth to them, she doesn’t have to take care of them.

Stanley Cup Suit
As the NHL lockout continues, a group of amateur hockey players is suing the league for the right to play for the Stanley Cup this season. But the NHL says the only amateurs who can play for the Cup are the New York Rangers.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in the "Punchlines" column in today's Newsday. Here's the link: Newsday

Rudolph’s Motives
Eric Rudolph says he bombed abortion clinics and a lesbian nightclub because, “abortion is murder and aberrant sexual behavior must be stopped with force if necessary.” Police are calling the statement Rudolph’s “manifesto,” but everyone else is calling it by its more commonly known name, “the Republican Party Platform.”

Movin’ Out
After a month-long stay, Billy Joel checked out of the Betty Ford Rehab Center this week. Joel says he’s feeling great, especially because the Center’s frequent visitor program ensures his next visit will be free.

Millionaire Conductor
Despite being a multi-millionaire, a New Jersey man has been working as a conductor on a commuter railroad since 1999. It’s not because he loves trains, it’s just that even he can’t afford to pay for his own health insurance.

Gay Athlete Poll
A new Sports Illustrated poll on gay males in sports shows that most pro athletes think that a homosexual on the squad hurts the team… but only because they wouldn’t feel comfortable asking him to give them their steroid injections.

Death Penalty Thrown Out
The New York State Legislature repealed the state’s death penalty law this week. No one was actually executed during the ten years it was on the books, making the law the only thing less effective than members of the New York State Legislature.

Casting Change
ABC announced that Alfre Woodard will join the cast of Desperate Housewives next season. The show’s name will also be changed to “Desperate for Diversity.”

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Britney Pregnant
Britney Spears has told the world that she is indeed pregnant. The announcement ends weeks of worldwide speculation about whether or not she and Kevin Federline were too dumb to have sex properly.

West Virginia English
West Virginia's state legislature has voted to make English the official state language. It's a strange decision considering no one in West Virginia can actually speak English.

Top 5 Changes in West Virginia Now that English is the State's Official Language

5) State becomes the logical new home for "Shakespeare in the Trailer Park"

4) Most West Virginians will be angered because they only speak "American"

3) People will realize they really do need all their teeth to say
words like "superstitious"

2) State will save millions now that it no longer has to publish tax forms in Gaelic

1) The world's leading foreign born artists and scientists will change their minds and not move to West Virginia as they had dreamed all their lives

DeLay Support?
Responding to a call for the resignation of House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, the White House says President Bush considers him a friend and he "supports the work that he's doing"… especially since what he's mostly doing these days is deflecting criticism from the White House.

Bush Objects
Despite their otherwise friendly relations during this week's summit, President Bush still insisted that Israel's Prime Minister Sharon change plans to expand a West Bank settlement. Experts say Bush really doesn't care, but he has to create some tension so it doesn't look like he and Sharon were on a "man date."

Scientist Dies
Dr. Maurice Hilleman, the man who developed vaccines for mumps, measles, chickenpox, pneumonia, meningitis and other diseases, died Monday at the age of 85. He was the only person alive responsible for more pricks than the Republican National Committee.

Golf Injuries
A new study shows that children who take up golf are getting more head injuries due to errant swings and golf cart mishaps. With more children who play golf, act irresponsibly, and have head injuries… it looks like President Bush is more of an influence on American youth than we all thought!

Nursing Study
A new study debunks the myth that women who are nursing should have a drink of alcohol to help them produce more milk. But the study does confirm that having a little alcohol to relax is how most breast-feeding women got into their situation in the first place.

Judge's Order
A New York City judge is ordering a divorced father to use his legal degree to support his kids, rather than become an ordained minister. It's not that defying the Lord is a prerequisite for becoming a lawyer, but it sure helps.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Stop Hillary
The chairman of the New York State Republican Party is starting a separate organization called "Stop Hillary," which is meant to block Senator Clinton from winning the presidency. Of course, there already is an organization devoted to stopping Hillary; it's called the FOX News Channel.

Top 5 Ways to Stop Hillary Clinton's Presidential Campaign

5) Replace all of Bill's nurses with strippers

4) Release photos of her wearing something other than those cover-all pant suits she always wears

3) Give her a party with no direction and no idea how to win a national election... oh wait, she has that already!

2) Get the Swift Boat Veterans to do a series of commercials claiming she never was a Yankees fan

1) Make sure the same guys who counted the votes in Ohio and Florida are ready for 2008

Papal Challenges
The next pope will have to face huge challenges like rampant poverty in Latin America, the spread of AIDS in Africa, and the erosion of Catholic Church membership in Europe and the United States. So it's a good thing the whole infallibility thing means he'll never make any mistakes.

Conclave Secrecy
The Vatican says it's taken precautions to make sure there's no way the cardinals conclave will be infiltrated by electronic listening devices, computer hackers, or paid spies. However, if they bring in those cute sopranos from the Vienna Boys Choir, all bets are off.

Top 5 Things the New Talking Jesus Doll will Say

5) “Blessed are the meek, for like the little 8-year old Chinese slave laborer who assembled me, they will inherit the Earth”

4) “Render to Caesar what is Caesar’s and render the proof of purchase to the manufacturer for an extended warranty!”

3) “Someone at this table has betrayed me by not changing my batteries on time”

2) “Let he among you who is without sin throw the first stone, but remember that the stones are sold separately”

1) “Whatever you do, don’t go to Michael Jackson’s house!”

Airline Pets
A new law requires U.S. airlines to fully account for all missing pets belonging to passengers. The airlines promise to do that as soon as they fully account for all their missing profits.

Bowflex Settlement
Nautilus has agreed to pay $950,000 to settle allegations that it failed to report on the safety defects in the Bowflex exercise system. That means the two people in the world who actually still use the Bowflex system will get $475,000 each!

Iran Investment
The Bush Administration has announced it will spend $3 million this year to help promote democracy in Iran. The money will come from the funds it receives from Haliburton to help destroy democracy in the U.S.

Troop Withdrawal
Jalal Talabani, the new President of Iraq, says he wants U.S. troops to leave his country within the next two years... which should be about 1 1/2 years after he is assassinated.

Al Zarqawi Missed
Time magazine reports that the U.S. had a chance to kill or capture Abu Musab al Zarqawi before the invasion of Iraq. But the article says the Bush administration let him live because they knew they'd never find a scarier-looking guy to put on a wanted poster.

"Cops" Returns
Fox is bringing back the reality crime show "Cops" for its 18th season, leading many experts to believe that we could have wiped out crime by now if it weren't for all the thugs out there who still want to get on "Cops."

Oldest Discovery
Geologists say a recently discovered piece of zircon crystal is the oldest piece of Earth ever found. Scientists say it's proof the Earth existed more than 4.4 billion years ago, Evangelical Christians say it's proof Adam gave Eve a cheap engagement ring.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Miss USA
Tonight's Miss USA Pageant is owned and produced by Donald Trump. That means the contestants will be judged in three categories: how elegant they look in evening gowns, how sexy they appear in swimsuits, and how quickly they can sign pre-nuptial agreements.

Rudolph Plea Deal
Eric Robert Rudolph will get several different sentences after pleading guilty to his string of bombings. For the Olympic Park bombing, he'll get 278 years in prison, for the bombing of an Alabama abortion clinic, he'll get 137 years in prison, and for the bombing of a lesbian night club, he'll get a job working with Karl Rove.

Indo-Chinese Accord
India and China have agreed to end their bitter border dispute. The new treaty divides territory equally: from now on India gets all of America's software jobs, and China gets all of America's manufacturing positions.

Sharon-Bush Meeting
During their meetings in Crawford, Texas today, President Bush will try to get Israeli Prime Minister Sharon to back off plans to expand a West Bank settlement. Bush hopes to win Sharon over with promises of more financial aid, more U.S. weapons, and more pie.

Bolton Hearings
The Bush administration insists John Bolton will make a great Ambassador to the United Nations despite his public record of disdain for the UN. Bolton is facing tough opposition from Democrats, but support from the rest of Americans who hate their jobs too.

Safer Minivans
Drivers of GM's new 2005 minivans are reporting fewer problems associated with accidents... not because they're made any better than last year, but because it's hard to crash a vehicle when you can't afford to fill it with gas.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

RADIO ALERT!! You can catch me LIVE on the internet radio station WBCQ tonight and every Sunday night at 9pm! The name of the show is "The Johnny Lightning Show" Here is the link to find out how to download the show: WBCQ Radio

Top 5 Things Overheard During the Royal Wedding Night

5) "Oooh Camilla, you know I love it when you dress up in Harry's Nazi uniform!"

4) "It's just not as fun now that we're a respectable couple"

3) "It wasn't until now that I realized why my subjects are so desperate for cheaper Viagra"

2) "Just close your eyes Camilla and imagine I'm William"

1) "Thanks Mummy, but I think I'll try to satisfy Camilla on my own this time"

Cardinals Mum
Roman Catholic cardinals preparing to elect a new Pope have unanimously decided not to speak to the media. Usually, the only way to get Church leaders to shut up so quickly is to accuse one of them of molestation.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Royal Pledge
At the Church blessing following their wedding ceremony, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles publicly vowed to stay faithful to one another. It's a promise made all the easier by the fact that everyone else in Britain has privately vowed never to sleep with either one of them.

Royal Pledge II
At the Church blessing following their wedding ceremony, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles vowed to stay faithful to one another for the good of the kingdom. Also for the good of the kingdom, members of the tabloid media pledged not to publish close-up photos of the couple ever again.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Pope's Burial
A number of items will go in the coffin along with Pope John Paul II's body: his medals, his ring, and most of CNN's ratings.

Next Step
With the Pope's funeral over, the people of the world will now see continued tributes to John Paul II, the cardinals preparing for their conclave, and the resumption of unwatchable programming on MSNBC.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Pope's Funeral

5) "I've got to get this bootleg recording of the service on the streets of Times Square by Sunday"

4) "Those chanting monks should go on American Idol!"

3) "Santo! Santo!... Hey there's Cubs great Ron Santo!"

2) "I've got to download some of these hymns for my new ringtone"

1) "I'm just glad he didn't live to hear about Brad and Angelina"

Paying Respects
Before the funeral for the Pope, President Bush, Bill Clinton, and Condoleezza Rice arrived at the Vatican and knelt in prayer before the body of Pope John Paul II. It's hard to say what was more memorable: the solemnity of the moment, or the fact that there's actually a woman on Earth willing to be seen kneeling next to Bill Clinton.

Jennings' Hope
Many experts feel that Peter Jennings' announcement that he has lung cancer will spur many smokers to quit. Of course, he's already spurred millions of Americans to quit watching network news.

Lucky Duck
A Brooklyn man's life was saved when he bent down to pick up a tube of Chapstick and a stray bullet whizzed past his head. But now he's even in more danger because that Chapstick was once used by Courtney Love.

Arabic Ghandi
This week actor Ben Kingsley unveiled an Arabic version of the film "Gandhi" to a Palestinian audience, hoping to publicize his message of nonviolent resistance. Experts expect the plan to work because anyone who sits through a 3 1/2 hour movie will probably be too tired to blow anything up.

Hastert Recovering
House Speaker Dennis Hastert had kidney stones removed at the National Naval Medical Center this week. That means the only painful prick Hastert has to worry about now is Tom DeLay.

DeLay Attack
House Majority Leader Tom DeLay now says the federal courts are "running amok," mostly because of the failure of Congress to confront them. Of course DeLay and his colleagues could do a better job confronting the courts if they weren't always getting indicted by them.

Train Robber
A New York man was sentenced to three years in prison for impersonating a conductor and taking control of a Long Island Railroad train last year. MTA officials pressed full charges against him not because he broke the law, but because they were embarrassed that his train was the only one to arrive in Penn Station on-time.

Columbia Report
Columbia University has concluded that Middle East Studies professors at the school do not make students who don’t share their views feel intimidated and uncomfortable. But Columbia does admit to making parents who can't afford $40,000 a year in tuition feel intimidated and uncomfortable.

Mammoth Found
A construction crew working in Moorpark, California has found the bones of a half-million-year-old Mammoth at the worksite. Other Ice Age creatures have been found in recent years around Southern California, including a mastodon, a saber toothed tiger, and Jack Valenti.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Special Newsday Alert!!! I have an entire humorous editorial column in today's New York Newsday!! For those of you who are in the New York City, you can buy the hard copy with a picture of me at the bottom. Here is the online link: Newsday Editorial

MASSIVE TRAFFIC ALERT!! The very popular Web site has linked to my Web site under the "Hot Links" section and the heading "I guess this guy wants to write for Leno?" Here is the link to Hot Link

Pope Funeral Telecast
An estimated 2 billion people, one-third of the planet, is expected to watch the televised broadcast of the Pope John Paul II's funeral tomorrow. The huge viewership will put tremendous pressure on Paul McCartney, Janet Jackson and Kid Rock to keep their halftime performances tasteful.

Pope's Will
The Pope wrote in his will that he considered retiring in 2000... but had to change his mind after all his Internet stocks bombed.

Pope's Will II
The Pope mentioned only his personal secretary and the Chief Rabbi of Rome in his will. He mentioned his secretary to make sure all his written notes were collected properly, and he mentioned the Rabbi to make sure he would find a decent accountant from his congregation to catalogue them properly.

Top 5 Surprises in the Pope's Will

5) Wanted his personal records burned... but only on the George Foreman Grill

4) Predicted the Mets would never win without a decent bullpen

3) Asked the cardinals to make sure that Ashlee Simpson does not sing at his funeral

2) Donated all his extra white skull caps to the Nussbaum Bar Mitzvah

1) Ordered that everyone waiting hours to see his body be given food, water, and a Sony PSP

Schiavo Memo
A staffer for Republican Senator Mel Martinez has been fired for writing the infamous memo on how the GOP could gain politically from the Terri Schiavo case. Martinez says there's no place for that kind of conduct in the Congress... which is why the staffer is now working at the White House.

DeLay Scandal
The New York Times reports that Congressman Tom DeLay's wife and daughter have been paid hundreds of thousands of dollars by his political action committee. But they actually deserve those payments just for having to be Tom DeLay's wife and daughter.

Republican Reaction
Fellow Republicans are privately complaining that all the scandals and criminal investigations surrounding Majority Leader Tom DeLay are hurting the party. But the Congressmen will continue to support him as long as the attention on DeLay takes the focus off all of their own scandals and criminal investigations.

Top 5 Things Tom DeLay's Wife & Daughter Do to Deserve $500,000 Salaries

5) Refill his hairspray bottle five times a day

4) Find new terminally ill patient for him to politically exploit every month

3) Find ways for him to blame Democrats for bad weather, sadness, & toenail fungus

2) Recruit burly men to keep crowds from laughing at his speeches

1) Entertain hundreds of lobbyists always waiting outside his office with music, booze, and strippers

Jacko Accusations
An ex-maid for Michael Jackson testified that the pop star showered with Macaulay Culkin and called him by the nickname "Rubba." She also says he showered with the pudgy Emmanuel Lewis, whose nickname was "blubba."

Rainier Dies
Monaco's Price Rainier died yesterday and his son Prince Albert is taking over the small nation. As a man who's dated dozens of prostitutes and porn stars, Albert will be uniquely qualified to deal with the rest of the world's political leaders

Albert's jobs
As the new leader of Monaco, Prince Albert will have two important jobs: keep the casinos open, and don't forget to comp all the VIP's.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Jennings Lung Cancer
ABC News anchor Peter Jennings announced he has lung cancer during last night's broadcast. But right wing bloggers are already contending that Jennings forged his x-rays.

Late Delivery
It turns out a Chinese food deliveryman who was thought to be missing, was stuck in a Manhattan apartment building elevator for four days. The man is okay, but the building's owner is charging him $1,500 rent.

Conclave Vote
The conclave to vote for a new Pope begins in 12 days. That gives Halliburton precious little time to try to pay all the cardinals off.

Top 5 Campaign Slogans Being Used by Papal Candidates

5) "Building a Bridge to the 1st Century"

4) "I Like Christ"

3) "Leave No Altar Boy Behind"

2) "Don't Stop Thinking about Eternity"

1) "Are you more infallible than you were four years ago?"

Conclave Rules
According to the rules governing the vote for the next Pope, no one over the age of 80 can participate. That's opposed to the U.S. Supreme Court, where no one under the age of 80 can participate.

Conclave Preparations
Space is being set up inside the Vatican for the College of Cardinals to begin the voting process. Church officials believe they have enough room for the 117 cardinals, but aren't so sure about the 500 Democratic and Republican advocacy lawyers who have shown up to make sure every ballot is counted.

Voting Strategy
117 cardinals are eligible to vote for the new pope. But the smart candidates will spend most of their time campaigning for the key votes from the cardinals from Florida and Ohio.

Agca Rejected
European authorities have rejected a request from Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot the Pope in 1981, to leave prison to attend the pontiff's funeral. But officials are willing to allow him to attend Prince Charles and Camilla's wedding.

Long Wait
The wait to get to see the Pope's body at the Vatican is now more than 20 hours... or about as long as it takes for the C train to show up on the New York City subway.

Senate Vote
The U.S. Senate voted 98-0 to pass a resolution honoring the late Pope. Of course, John Paul II still serves as an inspiration to most members of Congress who are also trying to use religion to gain absolute power.

Illegal Aliens & Social Security
A new report estimates that the Social Security system is getting $7 billion dollars a year that it won't have to pay back out, thanks to illegal immigrant workers. But that is offset by the $700 billion the richest Americans take out of the system, thanks to illegal foreign tax shelters.

New Recruiting Tactics
The Army is now personally visiting the parents of potential recruits in hopes of allaying their fears about sending their children to a war zone. The most successful tactic is when the recruiters show parents how much it would cost to send their kids to college.

New York City Spit
New York City is considering a $1,000 fine and up to a year in jail for fans who throw things or spit at sporting events. But legal experts say special exceptions will have to be made not to prosecute the thousands of people who routinely throw up at Mets games.

Ancient Discovery
Archaeologists in Germany believe two matching, 7,000 year-old, clay figures of a man and a woman having sex are the earliest examples of erotica. They know it was porn and not classical art because the two figurines were stuck together.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Next Pope
Many experts believe the conservative College of Cardinals will choose a Black or Hispanic man to be the next Pope. But they fail to realize that the world's only right wing Blacks and Hispanics already have positions in the Bush administration.

Top 5 Worst Papal Names of All-Time

5) Pope Shaquille VII

4) Pope Guilty V

3) Pope Suburban IV

2) Pope John Paul George Ringo II

1) Pope Dishonorius IV

Pope Poll
According to a poll, 77% of American Catholics believe that John Paul II was the best pope the church has ever had. The other 23% just didn't want to vote for a sequel.

Box Office Leader
The number one movie at the box office this week is "Sin City," which made $28 million. The film was the obvious choice for everyone who didn't care about the Pope.

Teens & Oral Sex
A new study shows most teens feel more comfortable having oral sex than intercourse. The survey explains two major trends: falling teen pregnancy rates, and higher sales of mouthwash.

MIT Computer Project
MIT professors and students are trying to create a laptop computer for children in developing nations that would cost only $100 apiece. And Michael Jackson is trying to create Web cams that he can give to all of those children for free.

Manhattan Real Estate
The average price of a Manhattan apartment is now $1.2 million; without rats it's $2.2 million.

Osama's Choice
Documents show that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was not Osama Bin Laden's first choice to lead the Iraqi insurgency... but he settled for him when it turned out Michael Moore was not available.

Elephant Exercise
Workers at the Alaska Zoo are looking for a huge treadmill for their elephant Maggie, who does not get much exercise due to the cold weather. Luckily, Kirstie Alley is selling hers on eBay.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Charles Postpones
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles will wait until after Pope John Paul II's funeral before getting married. It's a surprising choice, considering they didn't wait for Diana's funeral before they started sleeping with each other.

Pope Remembered
Pope John Paul II is being remembered as a liberator. He helped liberate Eastern Europe from communism, spare Western Europe from spiritual complacency, and save the United States from another week of annoying Terri Schiavo coverage.

Top 5 Things Overheard at the Cardinals' Conclave

5) "We need to invigorate Catholic youth; can we vote for one of the Backstreet Boys?"

4) "Too bad we can't hold this conclave at the Neverland Ranch"

3) "So far all the candidates are pretty impressive, but let's see who's ahead after the swimsuit competition"

2) "Okay, which one of you wise guys wrote 'Kick Me!" on top of my skull cap?"

1) "Well, at least this is easier than filling out my NCAA Tournament brackets!"

Voting Procedures
The voting process for the new Pope is held in absolute secrecy. To ensure complete confidentiality and accuracy, the Vatican has rejected an offer from Diebold systems to tabulate the votes electronically.

Voting Procedures II
After each Cardinal's vote is counted it is then doused with chemicals and burned... just like all the absentee votes for John Kerry in Ohio last year.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Blind Doctor
A 28-year old blind man has earned an MD degree from the University of Wisconsin. But while he's shown great ability treating patients, he's not expected to make it as a doctor in America because he can't fill out insurance forms.

Blind Doctor II
A 28-year old blind man has earned an MD degree from the University of Wisconsin. That makes him the second blind doctor in America after Joan Rivers' plastic surgeon.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Pope Dies
Pope John Paul II passed away just after three o'clock today. His final act of kindness was passing away early enough so that tonight's Final Four games would not be pre-empted.

Pope Holding On
Pope John Paul II is still clinging to life today. Vatican officials says the Pontiff wants to live long enough to give every news network the chance to erroneously report his death.

Top 5 Bogus Headlines Coming out of Rome

5) "Michael Jackson Dangles Pope from Vatican Window"

4) "Bill Frist, Hillary Clinton Start Early Campaigns to Replace John Paul"

3) "Ashlee Simpson Lip Synchs Pope's Sunday Blessings"

2) "Tom DeLay Blames Pope's Condition on Michael Schiavo & Activist Cardinals"

1) "Pope Feeling Fine; Proud of Greatest April Fool in History"

Pope's Condition
Vatican officials say the Pope is going in and out of consciousness, and often seems disoriented. But that doesn't mean he's near death... President Bush has been in that condition for more than four years.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Pope Gravely Ill
Despite being "gravely ill," Pope John Paul II is insisting on remaining at home. But Congress is rushing back to Washington to consider a bill that would force the Pope back into the hospital.

Bush's Next Move
Now that Terri Schiavo is dead, President Bush is fighting hard to keep another hopeless patient on life support... but enough about his Social Security plan.

Schiavo Reaction
Commenting on Terri Schiavo's death, President Bush again insisted that more Americans should embrace the "culture of life." And he said the best way to do that is by enlisting in the armed forces in time for the bombing of Iran.

Brad's Generosity
Reports say Brad Pitt is being extremely generous in divorce proceedings with Jennifer Aniston. He's giving Aniston their house and other investments, but Pitt will retain the only acting talent the couple has between them.

Jobs Report
The latest employment report shows that the number of people hired last month was only half what economists expected. It's not that there aren't any new jobs out there, it's just that no one can afford to fill their gas tank and get to an interview.

Celebrity Teachers
A new report shows UCLA hires more celebrities as teachers than any other school. The LAPD has already thanked the university for keeping them off the streets.

Celebrity Teachers II
A new report shows UCLA hires more celebrities as teachers than any other school. The most popular class is the Chemistry course taught by Robert Downey Jr.