Thursday, September 25, 2008

NEWSDAY ALERT!! I'm back in today's "Punchlines" column in Newsday and! Here's the link: Newsday

White House Summit
President Bush, Barack Obama and John McCain are having an emergency meeting at the White House today to discuss the financial crisis. Together, the three men hope to find a way to blame this all on Ralph Nader.

President Bush says there is an agreement to put an executive pay limit into the bailout plan. That means the only failed executive who will continue to be paid with taxpayer dollars is President Bush.

Debate Disagreement
Barack Obama is rejecting John McCain's call to cancel Friday night's debate because of the financial crisis. Of course if Obama wants to face someone who continues to disagree with him on most issues he can always debate Joe Biden.

Barack Obama is scoffing at John McCain's decision to cancel the debate, saying he should be able to do two things at once. McCain responded by saying that it would be nice if Obama could do one thing at once.

Bailout Reprecussions
Now that the federal government is about to own your mortgage, things are going to change. For example, when your toilet clogs, you can call your Congressman.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Bailout Question
Now that the government is buying up all these mortgages, does this mean we all live in the projects?

Buffett Buys
Warren Buffett is buying up $5 billion worth of Goldman Sachs and is already integrating it with the rest of his businesses. That's why you can now get shredded subprime mortgages sprinkled on your cone at Dairy Queen.

Pilots Fired
Two pilots at Go Airlines have been fired for sleeping during a flight... not because of safety concerns, but because the airline can't afford the pillows anymore.

Carter Critique
Jimmy Carter is calling the mortgage bailout plan "extremely faulty"... mostly because it doesn't say anything about blaming Israel.

Doggie Dorms
More colleges are allowing students to keep dogs in their dorm rooms... mostly because dogs tend to be more housebroken than the average college freshman on a Friday night.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Stonehenge Mystery Solved
Two British archeologists say they have uncovered the core reason behind the construction of Stonehenge. They insist the crude rock formations were a temporary shelter for ancient Britons who defaulted on their subprime mortgages.

Bailout Wait
Wall Street is complaining that Congress is too slow to pass their bailout plan. It's especially agonizing for investment bankers to wait this long when it only took Wall Street a couple of days to ruin the whole economy.

Oil Surges
As stocks continue to crash, oil prices are posting record gains the last few days. It's not clear is this is about supply and demand, or because all the former Wall Street investment bankers are now working as gas station attendants.

Fall of the Giants
Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley will no longer be investment banks and are now just regular commercial banks. But to keep their executive bonuses high, customers will be charged $17,000 every time they use the ATM.

U.N. Speech
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in New York today. It's not clear whether he's here to address the U.N., or just get Iran's money out of Goldman Sachs.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Feds Grab Wall Street
As part of the new Wall Street brokerage plan, the federal government now has control of Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley. The firms' executives won't get those big bonuses anymore, but they will be able to call in sick 10 days per month.

Members of Congress are demanding some "add-ons" to the $700 billion Wall Street bailout bill... especially a massive pay raise to make up for the campaign donations they're no longer going to get from Wall Street.

New Jobs
Now that the lucrative world of investment banking is dead, Wall Street's fromer top earners are eager to get into a different field that pays just as much money... but how many drug dealers and lawyers does George Michael really need?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Morgan Merger?
Morgan Stanley and Wachovia are considering a merger. Executives from both firms apparently hope they'll die faster if they hold each others hands while they jump out the window.

Bribery Probe
The FBI is looking into reports that oil companies bribed officials at the Department of the Interior with sex and drugs. Investigators are specifically looking for any evidence of rock n' roll.

Bush Cancels Trip
President Bush has canceled a trip to Alabama and Florida to focus on the country's economic struggles, and see if he can sell the White House on eBay.

Bridge Reopens
The Minneapolis bridge that collapsed last year has finally been repaired and it reopened today. The event would have been more joyous if there was anyone who could still afford to drive.

Touched by an Angel
A new poll shows that 55% of Americans believe they've had some kind of intimate spiritual contact with an angel... and 90% of them are suing those angels for sexual molestation.

Winning by Losing
A new survey shows kids learn more from being on losing sports teams than winning ones... which explains why everyone on the Mets is a genius lately.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

AIG Rescued
The government is giving insurance giant AIG an $85 billion loan to keep the company alive. AIG will only have to pay Washington $1 million in monthly premiums, but they have a $500 billion deductible.

It's not clear whether the government is taking over AIG to save the economy, or to ensure that all the politicians will have a place to work after they get voted out of office in November.

AIG's management is thanking the federal government for the $85 billion loan, and is promising to be more responsible with the money by buying 85 billion lotto tickets.

The saddest result of the taxpayers officially taking control of AIG is tha now our government has turned every American into an insurance salesman.

FBI Assures Congress
The FBI is telling Congress that its inquiry into the anthrax killings is "conclusive,"... mostly because all the victims are definitely still dead.

Impact on the City
The collapse on Wall Street is sending shivers throughout the New York City economy. Real estate prices may fall, crime might rise, and there's just no way anyone is going to shell out 10 grand for a Jets personal seat license now.

Ganging Up
Both Barack Obama and John McCain are bashing Wall Street executives, complaining that they were irresponsible, greedy, and haven't been sending them their campaign donations on time the last few weeks.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

AIG Next?
The next firm to collapse could be the world's largest insurance company, AIG. It's a potentially crushing blow since ironically, no one at the company has any insurance.

Wall St. Emergency
New York City is doing everything it can to ease the Wall Street crisis. Emergency funds are being tapped, regulations are being eased, and all strip clubs are being ordered to offer lap dances at half price.

Gas Gouging
Hundreds of gas stations across the country are being accused of using Hurricane Ike as an excuse to jack up prices. My gas station is also using the storm as an excuse to continue not cleaning the bathroom for the 33rd year in a row.

Petraeus Steps Down
General David Petraeus stepped down from his command in Iraq today. His new mission is to protect Lehman Brothers, AIG and Citigroup from creditors and short sellers.

Hannah's Hunk
15-year-old Miley Cyrus is reportedly dating a 20-year-old model. This can mean only one thing: Cyrus' mom is planning to run for vice president.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Blood on the Street
Lehman Brothers is filing for bankruptcy and several other Wall Street firms and banks are on the verge of collapse. Of course this means that prices for one bedroom apartments in Manhattan will soon fall to just below $5 million.

A big reason for the collapse, is that every major banking investment in the past few years has been tied to real estate. Wall Street hasn't been this poorly diversified since J.P. Morgan had only one mistress in 1904.

Several experts say they can't figure out just how leveraged the major Wall Street firms are right now... which is kind of like saying it's hard to do an autopsy on a suicide case.

Oil is down $5 barrel, mostly because about 10,000 brokers who usually drive to the Hamptons every weekend are staying home for the next few months.

Ike Aftermath
Several news organizations are running video of Hurricane Ike victims, desperately clinging to whatever belongings they can carry... it's kind of like the scene in the lobby at Lehman Brothers.

As bad as it is in Texas, it could have been worse. The most injured people in the Hurricane's path are Anderson Cooper, who lost his Prada bag, and Geraldo Rivera's moustache suffered third degree wind damage.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Allianz Bid Pulled
The German insurance giant Allianz, which once did extensive business for the Nazis, has withdrawn its bid for naming rights to the new Giants/Jets football stadium. The teams didn't object to Allianz joining the bidding on the building, it's just that the company wanted to call it "Heil High Stadium."

In the new Allianz Stadium, fans with premium seats would be in so-called "club sections," while everyone else would be seated in "Stalags 1-35."

Friday, September 12, 2008

Courageous Stand
Barack Obama and John McCain appeared at a nationally televised forum last night to discuss their support for public service and volunteerism. Next week they will be at another forum to talk about how they support motherhood and apple pie.

Lehman Woes
Lehman Brothers changed its name to "Lehman Brother" today... one of the brothers had to be laid off.

Lehman Brothers is actively looking for a buyer. Last night dozens of Lehman brokers were seen leaning into open car windows on 7th Avenue trying to make a deal.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Energy Bribes
A new probe shows that U.S. government employees received bribes from energy companies including illicit sex and drugs. But the companies say if they really wanted to bribe government officials with something valuable they would have given them free gas.

Energy Bribes II
A new probe shows that U.S. government employees received bribes from energy companies including illicit sex and drugs. It's what the Bush administration likes to call: "On-Shore Drilling."

Security Scans
Homeland Security will now put all incoming air cargo through radiation detectors to prevent terrorism. On the other hand, the process will make all Chinese-made toys 34% more poisonous.

Lehman's Plan
Lehman Brothers' new plan to to raise cash is getting a luke warm reception on Wall Street... mostly because 95% of plan involves combing through the couches in the lobby for loose change.

Hurricane Delay
Hurricane Ike has pushed back the Arkansas-Texas football game originally scheduled for this weekend to Sept. 27. The players on both teams will use the extra time to make court appearances and do their legally mandated community service.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Obama Denial
Barack Obama strongly denies he was talking about Sarah Palin when he said, "a pig with lipstick is still a pig." But he'll be in even more trouble if anyone finds out he was talking about Oprah.

Barack Obama is visiting with Bill Clinton today in New York... mostly so Obama can tell funny stories about him when he's a guest on Dave Letterman's show later tonight.

Lehman Angry
Lehman Brothers is complaining that the news media is publishing false rumors about the brokerage firm and driving its stock price down. In response, several Lehman executives are driving around the Wall Street Journal offices in a strecth limo with "No Justice, No Peace!" printed on the hood.

Lehman Brothers is assuring investors it is finding new investments to replace its mortgage-based businesses. Most of those investments are in anti-depressants for its executives.

Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld was conducting a conference call about company earnings this morning... but it was interrupted when his phone was repossessed.

Biden's Attack
Joe Biden is criticizing Republicans for not supporting vital medical studies like stem cell research. He later retracted those comments when he learned that the GOP does not oppose hair plug research.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Troop Withdrawal
George Bush is announcing the withdrawal of 8000 combat troops from Iraq. Washington needs more troops to protect the mortgage market.

Rice Complains
U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is complaining that she doesn't see enough blacks at her job. Actually, she should be proud that more blacks are smart enough not to work at the State Department.

Calls to Quit
The prime minister of Thailand was forced to resign after appearing as a guest on a TV cooking show. Legal experts say the constitution clearly bans prime ministers from being employed by a private entity and overcooking Pad Thai.

Simpson Jury Selection
500 prospective jurors were questioned yesterday as the latest O.J. Simpson trial began in Las Vegas. But 457 of those jurors had to be excused after it was determined they had previously been assaulted by O.J. Simpson.

China Damage Bill
China says it needs $244 billion to fix the damages after the huge earthquake that hit the country in May. Most of the money is needed to rebuild prisons and firing squad ammunition factories.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Olympics Watching
2/3 of the entire world's population watched at least some parts of the Beijin Olympics. The other 1/3 of the world is in a Chinese prison.

Fannie Freddie Bailout
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac took ridiculous risks and now the federal government is bailing them out. The only other people supporting that kind of irresponsible behavior are Bristol Palin's parents.

Brady Out
Star New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady may be out for the season with a knee injury. The Patriots are asking the federal government for a bailout.

McCain's Promise
John McCain is promising to put Democrats in his cabinet... it's good to have them around to take all the blame when things go wrong.

Canadian Parliament
Canada's prime minister has dissolved Parliament. It's not clear if it's for new elections or to get everyone home in time for hockey season.

Boeing Strike
Boeing's 27,000 machinists are still on strike, or they're still all stuck at airport security, it's still not clear.